A Step Forward

I think I’ve hit that sweet spot today where I don’t have enough energy to engage in hard core work, but I have just enough energy to blog. This is good, because I’ve wanted to do this for some time now.

Let’s lead with the good news – Dr M has managed to help me affect one of the biggest problems that has been plaguing me for at least twenty years! Normally my sleep schedule goes around the clock in a cycle so rare that it almost exclusively occurs in blind people. Over the Christmas holidays when my brother and his family came to visit, I was able to wake up naturally between 6-8am every day. This is huge!! It’s something I’ve wanted to be true for many, many years.

I am not entirely sure what started this effect, but I know that I have to take melatonin (a sublingual form – this matters a lot) every night to keep it happening. If I skip, I can’t fall asleep. The melatonin wasn’t working much at first – it helped the sleep I did get to be more restful, but it didn’t help me fall asleep. Now, it also helps me get to sleep. All I can tell you is that I was taking a supplement regimen not unlike the ones that Dr B had me on a few years ago, but it kept making my head burn like soy does and it sapped all of my energy. I stopped taking the supplements one by one, and when I stopped entirely, my sleep schedule snapped into a normal cycle for weeks on end! I couldn’t believe it! The only catch (and there always is one) is that I traded poor quality and poorly timed sleep for constant pain that ranges from moderate to blinding.

Given that I had this fortuitous turn of events, I was able to have a really great Christmas with my brother and his family. We went to the candy factory, the tea factory, yarn shops, Julie’s house… I mean, we really got out and around. I missed out on a couple of events, but in part it had to do with other scheduling issues. I was glad for the breaks when I got them, but I was ok. And I didn’t even have to resort to pseudoephedrine except on the first day they were here (and I hadn’t quite quit all the supplements).

I had two bad days since they left, and I think those were about low potassium. I woke up on both of those days unable to move (kind of a hard feeling to describe, but my blood felt like molasses and I couldn’t quite wake up, like I was drugged), so I slept till noon. Today was rough, too, but I expected it. I decided over the weekend that it was really not working for me to have parts of my business on three levels of the house. I do the actual work on the main level, but my supplies and stock lived in the basement. My computer (where I edit photos and put up listings) lived upstairs. Discounting the efficiency issue, I realized I just couldn’t take that many stairs in a day. I had to leave things out overnight or longer, and it really bothered me. So, Michael and I switched offices.

Part of switching offices meant that I had to get new furniture to store my stock and raw materials. The cats LOVE my wool. I’ve even caught Duck sleeping in the basket I keep current spinning projects in. I can’t blame him – I’d want to sleep in a box of wool if I could as well. I can’t have cats appropriating my products for their own use, so the wool has to be behind closed doors. This meant a trip to Ikea (by myself – a huge mistake, given that two of the boxes were 56 pounds each) and furniture assembly. I only got one wool cabinet assembled before I was absolutely too fatigued to do one more thing. Overdoing it yesterday meant that today would be pretty unproductive. I did a little dying (just one load of wool and sock yarn for a project I’m making for a friend) and I spent the day on the computer, but mostly not working. I also watched tv and knit on a pair of socks I’m making for Michael. Also, I slept in till 9:00 this morning. 😦

I managed to get a few good shots from my visit with the family. This is me teaching Alexis to dye:

Alexis Dye1Alexis Dye2Alexis Dye3

And these are the rovings she made. I’m planning to give her some of the profits from the sales. Alexis did the work after all, and I think this would be a great learning experience for her!

These are some shots of the kids decorating the tree:

Christmas 2012 a Christmas 2012 b Christmas 2012 c Christmas 2012 d Christmas 2012 e Christmas 2012 f Christmas 2012 g Christmas 2012 h Christmas 2012

And a few of Christmas itself!

presents 2012 presents 2012a presents 2012b presents 2012c presents 2012d presents 2012e

In everyone’s defense, it was 5:00 in the morning when these pictures were taken. If we look a little ragged, well, that’s why. We all had naps and looked like movie stars later. Or at least, I’m pretending that’s what’s true (I look how I look – if you don’t like it, you don’t have to look at it).

Finally, I have a few shots of the kids helping me make a custom order for Kitty Mine Crafts (I think you’ll find this familiar, Sara!) They loved working with the drum carder (but we made it clear this was a supervision only activity – the teeth on the licker are sharp!!!).

drumcarder kids drumcarder kids2

One last thing – while they were here, my sister-in-law wanted to learn more about how to shop and prepare food when you live gluten-free. They are trying to make the transition, and since I have to live that way, they got to see what I do to get by. I also introduced them to some recipes (most of which were well received by the adults) that they are planning to use at home. I promised Alicia that I would publish a recipe for a pot roast I made earlier this week, so here it is:

Ingredients –

  • approximately 4lbs chuck roast
  • 1 box Imagine Organic vegetable stock
  • 1/4 bottle of red wine (I used the leftover Ravenswood Old Vine Zinfandel)
  • 1 tsp garlic salt and parsley mixed
  • 3 celery stalks, chopped into bite-sized pieces
  • Two fistfulls of baby carrots

Instructions –

  1. In a large pot, pour in some olive oil (lightly cover the bottom of the pot) and brown the roast on all sides.
  2. Put the stock, wine, and garlic salt in the slow cooker. Set the heat to low.
  3. Add the meat.
  4. Let cook 4 hours, then add the celery.
  5. Let cook 2 more hours, then add carrots.
  6. Let cook at least another hour, then serve (you can leave it in for another two hours if you want).

The meat was fall-apart soft when we ate it. Also, I made this from whatever I could find in my pantry and kitchen. I recommend that you use some sort of aromatic (onions and the like) if you don’t have celery, and most root veggies can be substituted for the carrots to different effect. I don’t recommend potatoes if you’re trying to keep your glycemic index low, but to each his own. What I will say to everyone is that my sister-in-law announced that she lost 5 pounds over the holidays eating like I do. Yes – lost, not gained. Over the holidays. And she’s keeping it off. I’m proud of her!

That’s all for now. I hope to write again soon!

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Week in Review

The past week has been very eventful for me. I got more expensive plastic bracelets, made a lot of sales, dyed a ton of roving, invested in and started dying commercial yarn, met a new doctor, worked a little bit on some knitting projects… I’m sure I’m leaving things out.

I’ll start from the beginning. On Monday, I was watching tv with Michael when I got the sudden, stabbing chest pain I’ve become so familiar with. I’m not surprised, really, because since I’ve been having more problems with POTS, it ups the chance for me having restrictive cardiomyopathy and reduced blood flow to my heart. No big deal, now that I know what it is. I just lie flat on my back and put my feet all the way up, restoring blood flow and allowing my heart to slow down. The pain was stronger than usual this time, so I had to have Michael move me into position (good thing he wasn’t on yet another business trip) while I waited it out. A half hour passed, but the pain had not, so Michael told me he was taking me to the hospital.

I was still in pain when I got to the hospital, so they hooked me up to the EKG machine and took some blood. I began to improve while I was hooked up to the machines. “You’re fine,” they told me, and sent me home. I got the blood labs back on my way out the door, and I noticed that there actually was something wrong – I had low potassium. It was just below the reference range, but I am sensitive to very small amounts of chemicals (1/8th of an infant’s dose of Metoprolol scrambled my brain, after all). Low potassium can be dangerous, as it causes arrhythmias and muscle cramps. That was my problem. For once I fit inside the box for someone with this problem, and they still didn’t catch it. I believe in my heart that it’s because I’m “too young for heart disease,” so they dismiss that right off the top. It didn’t matter that I told them I had a history of POTS, or that I could usually fix the problem by getting into a position that returned blood flow to my heart. Honestly, I didn’t really need a doctor to interpret the tests for me, I just needed one to run them. Bottom line is, I’m ok now. Adding a potassium supplement has helped, except for today. I am not sure if I took the supplement yesterday, and I didn’t want to over do it (too much potassium can have bad effects, too). I think I must not have, given that I woke up feeling awful. Of course, it could have been the work I did yesterday that I’m paying for.

I spent all day on Saturday dying wool. I definitely plan to list most of it for sale as is, but I may spin one or more of them into yarn. I dyed some commercial sock yarn, too. I saved one skein to knit up for myself and see how it looks and to check if it’s really enough to make most pairs of socks. I only got 360 yds in 100g of yarn, and usually I see around 400 yds in that weight (and most patterns call for a minimum of 400 yds). Of course, I measured the yarn on my niddy noddy, and I’ve always questioned the accuracy of that method of measurement.

  This is some of what I dyed. I had so much that I needed the space in two bathrooms to dry it!

I also met a new medical doctor this week. Well, he’s a DO (doctor of osteopathy), but still, he has access to some things the chiropractors don’t. He is also a chiropractor, which informs his approach to health care, and thus informed my decision to interview him and see if he’s good enough for my team. I’ll cut to the chase – I am going to use his services. I like the guy (Dr M) – he’s personable, he listens to what I have to say, he believes in ME/CFS (a tall order in a medical doctor), he prefers a nutrition and lifestyle approach before pharmaceuticals are introduced, he says I’m not telling him something he hasn’t heard before (never heard that before – seriously!) and most importantly, he has new ideas. I’ll admit, the idea he’s fondest of was something I’ve already explored with Dr B, but maybe different testing and a new approach might yield some results. He thinks I have a problem with mold, that it is living in my airways and maybe even my heart. I’ve seen that on Mystery Diagnosis, actually, so what the heck – let’s give it a shot. I really liked that he gave me a disclaimer that not a lot of doctors do – he said I’ve been sick for more than twenty years, and he doesn’t expect me to be better in less than two years (and that there will be ups and downs). I already knew this, but I appreciate that he isn’t claiming to have “the answer” and a quick fix. He also correctly guessed that a lot of doctors wanted to offer anti-depressants to treat me, because ME/CFS is, in their world, a psychiatric disorder. There’s only one thing I really don’t like – he failed a test that I give many of my new potential doctors. I gave him a copy of the ME/CFS Guidelines for Medical Practitioners, explaining that that document had a very accurate description of what I have been dealing with for the last two and a half years (and longer on a less intense scale) and what treatments have and have not worked for me. He took it, flipped through, then gave it back. It has been my experience that practitioners who keep the copy and read it on their own time have been a better fit for me – it shows that they are interested in what I have learned and what I believe is going on. The ones who don’t look at all or give it back tend to arrogantly think they know everything and ignore any input I may have, and they miss the fact that I am fine on paper but obviously sick in person (and subsequently declare me “just fine”). I think this may not be the case here, but I am alerted to the possibility that he is, in fact, just like the others.

In knitting news, I have had very little time to work on things that for myself or my friends – my time really has been devoted to my shop. However, I did manage a little knitting this week. I’m making socks for Dr B’s nephew:

and I’m making a Baby Surprise cardigan for Dr B and his wife’s expected baby. I have no pictures of that yet, but I hope to remember to get a few before I visit them next month. I’m not making promises – my memory has been pretty terrible lately.

So, that’s it this week. I need to get back to editing photos, and maybe even get a little sleep tonight. Wish me luck!

As Good as I Hoped… Almost

The last couple of weeks have been eventful, and almost everything has been going as well (or even better) than I hoped. My shop is exactly where I wanted it to be much faster than I expected. This week I have gotten sales on most days. I thought I was going to reach fifty items in my inventory for sale, but things are going slightly faster than I can replace them. This is fine. I don’t need the inventory, I was trying to drive business. There is a minimum number of listings that makes the shop appealing to buyers – they get drawn in by a listing, then look around to see if there is something they like better or want to add to the item that drew them in. If there isn’t enough, they leave or just buy the one thing. When there are more listings, there are more purchases. I thought the magic number was going to be one hundred, but it seems the number is actually forty-six (but I wish it were forty-two).

I realized that I needed to add more inventory in a hurry, so on Wednesday this week I dyed a bunch of new rovings (the first one isn’t listed yet)…

..and then I had a dying accident. That pumpkin orange you see on the right was going to be a first attempt at the candy corn color in the middle. I mix the dyes in a glass jar because if I pour boiling water in a plastic bottle, the bottle melts. I can use a warm dye, but I can’t move it to the squeeze bottle until it cools nearly all the way. In any case, I had my rubber gloves on and was carrying the jar of dye over to the undyed roving, when the jar slipped and broke. Plenty of the dye went into the roving, so I just went with that. Plenty more got on my countertop (fortunately, it’s a silestone counter and the dye comes out with Dawn, vinegar, and a long scrub with a magic eraser), a fair amount ended up in the utensil drawers in my kitchen island, and a little ended up on the floor. I also splashed some onto my dish towel, so I tried (and failed) to even out the color. The worst is that my tennis shoes are partly orange as well. 😦

I’ve made it my policy to limit my listings to one new item per day. There is a really good reason for this. If I list or relist something daily, it helps my visibility. I do not like the idea of paying another listing fee for something that doesn’t need it, so I just stick to new listings as often as possible. I can only work so much before I am exhausted (and not at all on Tuesdays when I have acupuncture, massage and bowling – too many scheduled events leave me overwhelmed). The photography and listing are very time consuming, and I like to have some photographed items ready for days when I really just can’t put in much effort at all. The problem is, I really don’t like to have a list of things that need to be done. I learned in college what it felt like to not procrastinate, and man, the feeling was so good that I have given up the sport of procrastination entirely. Well, almost entirely. In this case, it’s better not to just get it all done at once.

Health has actually factored in to my work lately. I have known for the last nine years that if I work too many hours (what constitutes too many varies from day to day), I pay for it inordinately. I try to limit myself, but I really like working, especially at this job. I put in nineteen hours a day the first few days, then maybe twelve hours the rest of the first few weeks, then eight from then on. The work was huge at first because I had to set up a Facebook page, create a Twitter account, make a Ravelry group, become on official yarn brand and shop on Ravelry, and read and implement what I learned about marketing and Search Engine Optimization (SEO).

I started to feel the impact of my activity pretty quickly. The first few days were ok, but the ME/CFS often has a delayed onset – I do something today and pay for it a few days later. I get tired, and the fibromyalgia pain acts up. I think what really happens is that stress hormones over-activate my nervous system, and then all the bad things come up. I started having more problems with my POTS, becoming breathless when simply standing up. I was also having insomnia and nightmares (from adrenaline surges at night) – first the scary vampires-chasing-me kind, then the soul crushing defeat that leaves me waking up in tears kind. This is the heart of what took me out when I got sick two and half years ago (can you believe it’s been that long? and also that short?).

The disabling fatigue is actually easier to handle this time, for many reasons. The most important reason, as far as I’m concerned, is that I am not also dealing with the brain-burn from the undetected soy and estrogen sensitivity I had the first time. The brain-burn can take me out on its own, and with the post-exertional malaise, well, it’s catastrophic. Another reason I’m finding it easier is that Dr B has an idea of what might have led to it. You see, I did another gallbladder cleanse a couple of weeks ago. I was gaining weight even though I had not changed my diet (about fifteen pounds in 3 months). Dr B thought I might have been holding on to hormones, so I took calcium d-glucarate to help my liver process them out. Well, it stopped the weight gain, but didn’t really lead to the weight going back to where it was. Through some testing, we learned that my gallbladder/biliary pathways are under-functioning, so the cleanse was supposed to clean it out and help it start over. For the week after the cleanse, I was rapidly losing weight (a pound a day). This is exactly what happened before I fell off a cliff those years ago. Dr B’s theory is that the hormones that I was storing as fat became water soluble from the cleanse, and that I was reabsorbing toxic hormones that were, in effect, poisoning me. I think he’s right. I am still taking the calcium d-glucarate to support hormone detox, but there isn’t much I can do about the toxic dose of whatever was stored in my fat cells. Just wait it out, I guess. What’s good is that I have a very viable answer, and this gives me hope that I can heal some and that I can prevent this level of function loss in the future.

Now don’t mistake me – I will never be cured. I’m always going to be prone to developing these symptoms if I overdo it or lose weight too quickly. But I know so much more about exactly what’s wrong and how to minimize the impact of the ME/CFS on my life than I did when this first happened, and more than I did even when I finally found the diagnosis a year and a half ago. I’m still not going to realistically be able to work in a full-time job outside of the home. But this is the dream, isn’t it? To work for yourself in a job that you love, when you want and how you want? It’s almost what I hoped for in my life. I could live without the chronic illness, but I can’t have everything.

Getting Busy

There’s been yet another drastic change in my world since my last post. Who am I kidding – there have been A LOT of drastic changes in my world since the last post. I’ll break them down by category.

Health:

Ever since March, I’ve been gaining weight. It’s been happening despite a lack of change in my diet or activity level. As I gained weight, I started to feel more and more exhausted and my ability to focus just kept diminishing. I gained about fifteen pounds all told, which put me back to where I was before I started to see Dr B. I started to feel defeated – I know that ME/CFS has a relapse/remission cycle, but every time I go into a relapse, it feels like someone has yanked on my short leash, bringing me to my knees.

During one of my weekly talks with Dr B, he suggested that maybe I was gaining weight because I was holding on to hormones. We tried an effort to force my biliary systems (liver, gallbladder) to work harder (hormones are detoxified using, amongst other things, bile). I learned then that I actually have a very hard time digesting proteins. I ate nuts, and they would come back out completely undigested. This suggests a shortage of bile or liver or gall bladder dysfunction. I am aware that Yaz, a birth control pill I used to take, causes a sludge to build up in the gall bladder, and sometimes it gives people gall stones. There are lawsuits about this, but I can’t prove it was the Yaz, and I don’t have actual stones (the sludge is not visible on the ultrasound – they only see it if they take out your gall bladder), so I’m not sure I can be included.

I tried a gall bladder cleanse next. The idea is to let bile build up in the gall bladder, then force the contents out all at once, with the pressure forcing out any stones or sludge. The short version of that story is, it didn’t work. At one point during the cleanse, you’re supposed to drink a mixture of 1/2c olive oil and 1/2c grapefruit juice (it tastes way better than I would have guessed – if it were mixed with a little vodka it would have been a decent cocktail). Well, rather than getting digested, the olive oil came out in the exact same form it went in.

Armed with the knowledge that I have a problem with detoxification, I looked for something that might help me. I remembered that when I went for non-cognitive biofeedback, H said to ask my doctors about Calcium D-Glucarate. It’s supposed to aid the detoxification pathways for steroid hormones (like cortisol and estrogen). None of them knew anything about it, so I just discarded the idea.

I shouldn’t have.

I started taking the Calcium D- Glucarate a few weeks ago, and I’ve been feeling A LOT better. It was a slow process, but by the next morning after starting this new supplement my brain fog started clearing and I started losing weight. The weight loss has continued, and I’m down about five pounds now. I never in the whole time changed my diet or my exercise level. It’s incredible. What’s even more interesting is that my chiropractic adjustments have been holding better, too. Dr B said that his research turned up evidence that this supplement helps treat ligament laxity. Well, that’s been a problem for a long time, and might be part of the reason I can’t hold an adjustment. Ligament laxity led to me breaking an ACL in high school. In a Facebook post a few months ago, I surmised that I might be having a problem with estrogen given the correlation of flare ups with my hormone cycles. Looks like I was right. Estrogen is an inflammatory hormone, and it makes my brain burn like soy does. It seems that this supplement is working as it’s supposed to.

As my brain started to defog, I became more ambitious. I thought I was getting more energy, so I undertook a few larger projects. It turns out that all I got was ambition. I am motivated to do things, and thinking part is easier, but I burn out hard and fast in a day. What’s worse is that because I’m overexerting myself, I’m triggering Fibromyalgia flares. This is another prison I find myself in. As soon as I can see the outside world that I want to be a part of, I try to join it, only to be rudely prevented by the glass wall I didn’t realize was there.

One little bright spot in this health thing – check out this article. I’m also considering attending this teleconference with the FDA.

Projects:

At some point during these last two years (yes, it’s been that long now since I got so sick I couldn’t function normally), I came to accept that I cannot work in a regular job with scheduled hours. It’s a problem that a lot of chronically ill people face, actually. We can and want to be productive, it just has to be on our own terms (or more particularly, the diseases’ terms). I knew the only way I was going to be able to have gainful employment was to work for myself in a job that I could do when I felt well and neglect when I had a bad day. At first, I just did volunteer activities like fostering kittens and patient advocacy. I figured if I wasn’t accountable to anyone for a paycheck, then I didn’t have to work regular, scheduled hours.

Just last week, though, I embarked on what will hopefully turn into a paying gig. I opened a store on Etsy, Kitty Mine Crafts.    Nothing has sold yet, but I’m not terribly worried. I need to build inventory. I looked at competing stores and products, and I realized that there are hundreds of pages of merchandise available. I need to have a larger stock in order to increase my chances of showing up on any particular page. I spent most of the first week dying fiber, making batts, and purchasing supplies.

  I bought these dyes

 and this thirty-pound bump of undyed merino wool.

I had some undyed Falkland wool that came with my new drum carder (a Strauch Finest), so I got started with that while I was waiting for the supplies above. So far I have a few wool batts, some dyed roving, and one skein of handspun yarn listed. I also plan to sell handmade cat toys, but  I have to make some first!

I created a Facebook Page for the business as well. If you stop by either the store itself or the Facebook page, it would be helpful if you could click “like” on those pages, and/or on the particular items you happen to like. It helps publicize my stuff. I intend to put an Etsy widget for my store onto my blog, but I haven’t yet figured out how to make that happen.

There is another big project that I attempted (this week, in fact). Michael left for Gen Con ( he made a card & dice game called “Chaos and Alchemy” that he brought to demo at the convention), so I got to a task I’ve wanted to accomplish for a while – fixing the wood floor in the hallway between the kitten room, laundry room and office. A few months ago, my washing machine flooded that hallway – a $0.06 clamp broke, letting the machine overfill. After I fixed the machine, I noticed  the floor boards were all wavy. I had leftover boards from when I installed the floor in the first place, so I ripped up the warped boards and replaced them. In two days. I’m still paying for that, but I’m glad I did it. There was black mold that smelled like death near the kitten room door. Yuck. It’s gone now.

Kittens:

Today, I have five kittens in my kitten room. I returned their mother to the shelter yesterday because, despite being a very devoted mother to the kittens when they were all very ill with a URI, she suddenly turned on the kittens and started attacking them. It made me cringe to see the way the kittens cowered when their mother even walked near them, and I didn’t want them to learn to fear adult cats. Now Duck plays with them, patiently allowing the kittens to learn that not all adult cats are cranky.

Anning, the kittens’ mother, was only six pounds when she went in for her spay surgery!

Anning’s litter of kittens came to me because they had special needs. Two of the kittens had an eye infection so severe that the vets thought they might need to remove the eyes. I was given a ton of medications to treat these kittens: an antibiotic called “Clavamox”, an anti-viral pill called “Famvr”, an antibiotic eye drop called “Ofloxacin”, and another anti-viral eye drop (given HOURLY) called “Idoxuridine”. The kittens have been going back to the vet weekly to check on their progress, and I am happy to report that they are going to be able to keep their eyes! I suspect their vision won’t be as good in the infected eyes, but as of today, their eyes look so clear you’d never know they had an infection. This is what foster homes are so good for – the shelter staff did not have the time to devote to hourly treatments on the kittens, but I did.

So yeah, busy life.

I plan to get photos of the kittens in the near future, as well as continuing to stock my Etsy store. I hope this means I’ll have more time and ambition for blogging, but we’ll just have to see. No promises, but wish me luck.

P.S. Today is Michael’s and my 10th anniversary. It’s unfortunate that he has to be away, but it is for a good cause. Plus, we went on a cruise earlier this year, so we’ve already celebrated. 🙂

 

 

Superstition

I once heard about a superstition which dictates that whatever you do on New Year’s Day, you’ll be doing for the rest of the year. I’m not generally one to buy into that sort of thought process, but I figured that maybe it couldn’t hurt to indulge the idea this time. It’s not like there are bad consequences for doing so. It was for this reason that I was pretty thrilled that I woke up just before 7:00 this morning. I felt somewhat clear-headed, and I even had a little ambition. I tried to get the house clean the day before, with the idea that if I had to do heavy housework on New Year’s Day, I would be doomed to live in a filthy house that needs that sort of work for the rest of the year. So, it was about silly little things like that.

Not long after I woke up, I took a little pseudoephedrine. I hate to do that, especially in light of my decision to indulge the above superstition, but I figured I could just keep in mind that I’ve been popping large numbers of pills every day for the last year and a half, and smaller numbers for the previous 11 years. This isn’t really anything new. It’s not just the pill popping that I was reluctant to do, though. It’s dangerous to use pseudoephedrine for the long-term, but it is used off-label to promote wakefulness. It was my backup plan for when I really wanted to participate in something, like a vacation or what have you. I made my peace with it, as long as I only use it as needed, for short periods of time only. Besides, I’m already taking medication to increase neurotransmitters in my body (pseudoephedrine increases norepinephrine concentrations by releasing what you have stored in your neurons). I went to see C a few days ago, and she said that neurotransmitters are the best way to treat the neurological pain I was having. She even used the dreaded f-word, “fibromyalgia” to describe what my pain sounded like. She hasn’t officially diagnosed me with that condition, but it often comes with CFS/ME. While I wasn’t surprised to hear her say it, I didn’t want to hear it. Treatment for fibromyalgia is palliative (meant to relieve suffering, but not cure the condition) at best.

Anyway, I decided to spend the day accomplishing things. The feeling of being able to just do what I need to do is the thing I miss the most since getting sick. When I have a good day, I tend to squeeze every bit of productivity out of myself I can. I was determined for this to be that sort of day. I first washed all of the wine glasses from our party the night before. I did a couple of loads of laundry. I fed all the animals. I took a hot bath. I caught up some of my newspaper comics. I should explain that last one – Michael and I are the last newspaper subscribers on the planet. We both love newspaper comics, and there’s nothing like sitting down with the newspaper and reading the good ol’ funny pages. Well, because some days my brain is so foggy, so scrambled that I can’t even read, Michael saves that comic pages for me so that I can get to them when my mind is clearer. As of this morning, I was backed up to the beginning of October. Today, I read the entire month and am now up to November. Still behind, but less so than before. I went through older blog posts today, and learned by this time in 2010, I was behind as far as August. Back then, I had a billion kittens to care for as well. I’m certain this is not coincidental.

By noon, I was tired. I thought about popping another pill, but decided that there was really no way I was going to sleep for more than an hour or two. I had Michael massage my neck and ridiculously painful shoulder, then settled in for the nap. Feeling slightly more refreshed, I rolled over and looked at my clock – it was nearly 10:00pm. My nap was 10 hours long. What a defeat.

I tried not to be too upset about this. I told myself this morning that I was going to focus on the things that I did manage to do, and try not to condemn myself for what I couldn’t do. You see, somehow I still haven’t accepted that I’m truly, honestly sick. I keep trying to convince myself that if I just talk myself into it, I can just magically overcome this whole thing. Maybe I am prone to superstition after all. I mean, this is the behavior that I hate most in others: the tendency to accuse the people who have a chronic disease of not wanting to get over the illness, thus implying the disease is in the sufferer’s head and it is her fault. I do not think this of others who have a chronic condition, but somehow I think it of myself.

I think it will help me to show you some of things I’ve accomplished in the last few months. Much of my knitting has been for Christmas presents, so I haven’t really been willing to post it on the internet. Now that the gifts have been given (mostly, at any rate), I’ll show them to you.

I made these for Dr B. He lives far away now, but since we still talk, I thought it was only a nice thing to do. These are the brioche hat and scarf from Weekend Knitting. The yarn is Berroco Vintage in Mocha and Mushroom (5103, 5104).

I also made the pair of socks I referred to in the previous post for Dr B’s wife, K. She promised me she would get a picture of her wearing them so I could post it online.

I finished a dress I was crocheting for my friend Julie’s baby. This has not been delivered yet because her family is spending Christmas in Denmark. Plus, it’s still missing buttons. The pattern is Dixie Belle, and I used Patons silk bamboo (ivory) and Artfibers Casanova (dark purple).

I made this sweater for my nephew, Blaine. His parents tell me he loves it. The pattern is Lion Brand’s “Knit Coastal Stripe Pullover” in Knit Picks Swish Worsted, colors Twilight. Doe, and Bark.

I sent the “yarn shirt” to Alexis as well. It is bigger on her than Blaine’s sweater is on him, but she’ll be able to wear it forever. She was ecstatic, if the pictures her parents sent me of her opening the present are telling me the truth.

I plan to knit one more small present for Julie, but I don’t want to mention what it is until she receives it. She knew about the dress for her baby. I also have the “puerperium cardigan” (Ravelry link) on the needles for my friend Vickie‘s new baby, and I’ve swatched for the “Color Me” afghan for my friend Jen’s new baby.

There is a catch to the projects on my hooks and needles. I mentioned ridiculous shoulder pain earlier. On New Year’s Eve, the pain in my right arm got really bad, to the point where I was having trouble lifting my arm to give my friend a high-five. I thought it would be just a one day thing, something brought on by the fact that I skipped a dose of the pain medication so I could stay awake (the medication wipes me out – if I take two pills in a day, I can sleep about 18 hours easily). I resumed taking my pain medication as soon as everyone went home, but the pain is still there. I think I’m on track to losing much of the use of my right arm. I’ll know Wednesday whether the decision regarding if and when I have to give up bowling has been made for me. My concern is that this might mean I lose knitting, too. Maybe I can outrun it, get my projects done before my arm gives out. I can do that, right?