Dealing with it

Secretly, I was hoping I’d be feeling good effects from the cleanse diet by this point. I kind of hoped that my whole CFS/ME problem was just about a food allergy – I have a lot of unrealistic hope like that. Maybe hope isn’t the word… maybe I mean wish. While I’m at it, I wish for a Pegasus. Oh, and I want to be a Princess, too!


At least the weird stomach aches stopped. That happened within about twenty-four hours. This time, I’m not quite as hungry as I was in the beginning when I did this before. I think this is because I generally eat a low glycemic index diet. There isn’t so much of a carbohydrate addiction to break this time.

What kills me is that I had a bad day on Thursday. I woke up feeling like my head was too heavy for my neck. I had no ambition. I was really cold, despite the thermostat reading 75°. Sure it was cold outside, and a huge snow storm was on the way (we got sixteen inches all told, but it never got terribly cold – maybe just below freezing), but it was warm inside. I had to take three naps, I think. And I couldn’t hold on to a thought. I couldn’t really knit more than a row at a time. I couldn’t read more than a sentence or two. Caffeine didn’t make it better.

Today, however, I had some early morning ambition. I moved some furniture, vacuumed and swept, wrote up and sent a recipe for butternut squash and apple soup to some friends who asked for it, did some laundry…

Maybe two hours into it, though, I felt the wall coming. I have this irrational reaction that leads me to try to outrun it. If I feel the wall coming, I try to work harder and faster. In reality, I think that trying to outrun the wall  just makes it come more quickly due to the stress. Still, I feel compelled to try. I think this is the most frustrating thing about the whole chronic illness thing: I’m a healthy, ambitious person stuck in a sick, lazy person’s body.

I’ve been able to knit some today and on Friday. It made me think about how I said I’d post my current works in progress. It’s been a long time since I’ve listed them. I think I’m just going to mention the ones I am actively working on. All of these projects are for other people. Most have a deadline. The others are just fuzzy memories at the moment.

These need to be done ASAP. Winter seems long, but it doesn’t last forever.

  • K’s winter wear. For Christmas, I sent K’s husband (Dr B) a hat and scarf. It’s been so cold where she lives that she confiscated these items a few times so she could be warm when she left the house. I’m making K her own set (with mittens as a bonus!) so she and her husband can be warm outside the house at the same time.
  • Dr R’s giant socks. I really need to make smaller friends. He wears a size eleven shoe. Fortunately, he wants warm, worsted weight socks. Totally doable.

This will be due soon enough. I have several friends who are expecting babies, and only one has announced it. I get to know early because I am the knitter and I need time to produce the baby items!

  • Crayon Blanket. Jen announced that she’s expecting a little girl. After the blanket, there will be cardigans and booties and whatever else I can think of. That catch is that Jen lives in Florida and is sensitive to wool. This means I need to make cool, wool-free items.

I’ve been working on this for a long time. I’m not sure what about this is taking me so long.

  • Gentleman Socks for Michael. I started these in April of last year. On the bright side, Michael already has a pair of socks I made him. I just wish he had more. I wish I had more. Alas, my knitting interest is fickle and I can’t force myself to work on something I’m just not feeling. I keep this one out, though, and put on a row here or there. I’m on the second sock, and I’ve even turned the heel. I can see the end, I just can’t seem to bring myself to get there. I really wonder why.

Oddly, I like the knitting deadlines. I feel like my knitting has purpose. I feel like people are expecting something of me. It’s all I can do to contribute to society these days, a few hand-knit items for people who appreciate them.

I expect to be casting on more things soon, despite my unlisted but definitely unfinished projects waiting in the closet. My acupuncturist is a knitter, but she stopped knitting over 30 years ago. She has admired my hand knit socks when she was busy sticking needles in me. She claims that she is not good enough at knitting to make socks. Everyone who knits by hand deserves a pair of hand knit socks, so at some point she will get some.

I’ve run out of energy again, so I’m going to have to end this post sooner than I’d like. I’m going to try to get pictures of the works in progress for the next post (which I really hope will occur in a day or two). What I’m hoping for the most is to feel well enough to see if the shelter has something for me to foster. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.


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