A Tangled Skein

This skein of yarn will be a pair of socks. Soon. It started out as a reasonably well-behaved skein, waiting in my sock yarn cabinet. Yes, my sock yarn has its own space, separate from the regular yarn – I don’t want the other yarn to feel fat. The lace-weight is clearly anorexic and the rest of the yarn just feels sorry for it.

I got this brilliant idea to make a pair of socks for a friend, with the intention of giving one to her on her birthday and one on Christmas (these events are days apart). I have to make two, so they count as two separate presents. I thought the idea might be hilarious, but maybe you have to be a knitter to find humor in that.  She has identical taste to me, and she loves my knitting, but doesn’t knit herself. So, I have no qualms about using my precious Malabrigo yarn to make her a pair of socks. In fact,  I was thrilled to be making these for her so that she may all at once learn the wonder that is Malabrigo and the superiority of hand-knit socks. The plan was just so perfect. Who knows, maybe these socks will inspire her to ask for knitting lessons…

As soon as I had the information I needed to make the socks, I ran upstairs to search for this yarn. I put it on my swift so I could wind it into a ball, but then it started to misbehave. The end tied to my ball winder kept catching in odd ways on the rest of the skein, and at some point the yarn became wrapped around the swift itself. I had to disconnect the swift from my table to get the yarn off, and then I had to commence the task of untangling the skein and winding the ball by hand. This bit is significant because, if all goes well, it takes maybe two minutes to wind a perfectly behaved skein into a ball. The above mess took about twelve hours total of my and Julie L’s time. Despite the fact that it took a lot of my time and that of my friend, the end result will benefit someone else, and that gives me great pleasure.

As soon as this happened, I saw the metaphor of my current life situation in the whole thing. Some people would see this mess and decide it wasn’t worth their time. The yarn would be discarded or given away. Others, like me, see the value behind the surface mess and will patiently pick at the knots until it has all been straightened out again. Not unlike what I’ve been doing with the CFS/ME thing.

I found the website for Dr Cheney (who linked CFS/ME to diastolic cardiomyopathy). He listed some blood tests that he would want a patient coming to him to have completed ahead of time for the sake of speeding up the part where he starts treating her (I say her because CFS/ME predominantly strikes women). I showed this to Dr B, who enthusiastically went along with the idea of running these tests.

We only did a small subset of these tests so far, including the tests for CMV, VIP, MSH, and C4a. CMV is Cytomegalovirus, which is one of the herpes viruses implicated in triggering or occurring opportunistically in CFS/ME. VIP measures the status of part of the autonomic nervous system (specifically for me, it can explain why my circadian rhythms do not exist). MSH measures the status of the hypothalmus (and in my case, would explain my lack of appetite). The first three tests came back abnormal, even by the lab standards: CMV is high, and the others are low. This is good news, because we finally have something we can work on. The particular way these tests are abnormal pointed us toward mold illness. The idea is that for some reason, certain people are really sensitive to the toxins released by mold. I’ve lived in humid environments for most of my life, and I could always tell you if a building had mold in it as soon as I walked in because I would have trouble breathing (and a few other, less prominent symptoms). If mold spores got into my lungs or heart (moist, dark environments are great for fungal growth), well, it would make sense that I would continue to have exposure symptoms despite having being away from mold-infested buildings. So, according to these tests, I have an active CMV infection and mold toxicity – so we’ve found two contributing factors to my illness.

So, a couple of knots untied, right? Well, the C4a test was delayed. If it were high, it would indicate that I was having inflammation due to mold biotoxins. When the results finally came in, they were in the lower third of the normal range, the opposite of what we would have guessed given the previous results. We’ve encountered yet another knot in this tangled yarn.

It is very easy to get frustrated with all of this. When we finally seem to be getting somewhere, I get a test back that tells me I was barking up the wrong tree after all. I know my CFS/ME isn’t from a single cause, but rather the fact that just enough bad things came together at the same time. What gets me through is treating each aspect as we find it. I kind of don’t care that I am either not getting better or only getting marginally better, I just want to feel like I’m still working on it. I keep seeing people posting pictures of the path to success on Facebook, and they look just like the tangled skein of yarn at the top of this page. I guess I have to believe that if I keep untying one knot at a time, eventually I’ll achieve success and untangle the illness.

There has been one bright spot, though. Dr B told me that all the research I’ve done has helped him with some of his other, more difficult to diagnose patients. He wanted me to know that even if I haven’t had a whole lot of success, my work has taught him things that allowed him to better help other patients. Just like the socks, I put in a whole lot of work to benefit someone else. Maybe that’s not so bad.

Knitting Break

I need a break from my life right now. My health is my life, and I just need some time to not think about it. Easier said than done, I’m aware, but I want more in my life than doctors appointments and disease/treatment research.

For several weeks now, I’ve had foster kittens. I haven’t had the energy to post about them, and Michael has been involved in most of their care, but they’ve been here. In order, we have Caylus, Collete, Demi, and Raven.

The kittens have been really healthy, and all of them are about as sweet and affectionate as you could want.

I’ve also done some knitting. I have several projects with deadlines, so I’ve been focused on them. First, I made a hat and mittens for my friend Vickie’s expected baby. I might make some booties to go with these – I haven’t decided yet. I want something the baby can wear right out of the hospital first, then I’ll see if I can make something that she can wear as she grows a bit.

I’m also working on a “yarn shirt” for my niece Alexis to wear at Christmas. A few years ago, when I was living in San Francisco, I taught Alexis to knit. We later went walking past a yarn store, and Alexis got incredibly excited when she saw a sweater in the window – “That’s a yarn shirt!” We managed to get together again later on, and Alexis informed me that I need to knit her a sweater. I love that she wanted something made by me, so I’ve finally gotten on it. I intend to give it to her as a Christmas present. I’m also going to make a sweater for her brother, but that hasn’t been started yet.

The pattern is a DROPS pattern, labeled s15-7. I’m knitting it in O-wool Balance, pink and green. I’ve made a few modifications, most notably that I am knitting it in stockinette rather than reverse stockinette. I’ve never really liked the reverse stockinette stitch as the public side of a garment, so there you have it. I’m hoping the sweater comes out a little big so she can wear it for a relatively long time, but we’ll just have to see.

I don’t have the focus to knit as much as I’d like, and I had to abandon a shawl I was designing, but I’ll get back to it. At least I hope.

Actually Doing Something for a Change

I am happy to report that I have actually gotten started on my goals. I haven’t even needed the motivation of finishing a small task to work on the big ones. The most obvious is that I am making good on my goal to post more often. This is something that has to be sustained, but still, I’m actually putting up another post – it’s step one of many. I also started on a chapter in the book I wanted to write. I’ve gotten an idea for the direction of the title as well – something to do with living in fog. Finally, I’ve started working in earnest on finishing my yarn craft WIPs.

I realized as I was working on the knitting that I haven’t posted a current list of what I’m working on in a while. It’s going to be painful, I fear, but here goes  (you can click to enlarge the pictures):

1. Everyday Tweed. I realized I was getting low on warm clothing, which is an inexcusable situation for a knitter. I wanted to find a pattern that would be relatively simple, so if I liked it I could use it for more sweaters in different yarns. This one is all knitting, and mostly simple, but I had so much trouble with the yarn. I bought what should have been enough for the whole thing, but it turns out that despite the matching labels, the dye lots on all of the skeins were not the same. I’m trying some fancy color work tricks to hide this subtle but noticeable difference.
2. Monkey Socks.  I tried several patterns for this particular yarn – I am completely intrigued by Flat Feet yarn. They take sock blanks (basically, small machine knitted rectangles of sock yarn) and dye them in creative patterns and such. I liked the colors in this one, but I hated the way it knit up. After trying and ripping back several attempts, I finally found that the monkey pattern removes some of the ugly from the yarn, and I am happy once again. I’ve already finished one of the socks.
3. Robert’s Boot Socks. Its been a long time since my brother Robert asked for these socks. I started working on them a bit when he came to visit for Christmas. I realized that part of the problem, besides the fact that Serra and Duck destroyed my first attempt, is that it’s hard for me to make socks without the person for whom I am making them present. I want to be sure they fit before I put all that effort into making two of them. Once I get one that fits, the second should come quickly. The yarn is worsted weight, and it’s not like he’s a big guy or anything.
4. Beaded Deep Space. I deliberately left this in a crumpled up state for the photograph. While I want to show it off somewhat, I want the finished product to be a genuine surprise for the recipient.  I’m using a modified version of the Cheshire Cat Stole with the Deep Space yarn I fell madly in love with a long time ago. I wanted to give it to a friend when I finished. She still doesn’t know I am making it for her, so she isn’t missing it. Maybe that’s the problem – I don’t have the push I need to work on it.
5. Crochet Noro Socks. Honestly, I’m not in love with these. I made one because a crocheter at the shop I used to teach at asked if I could teach a class on crochet socks. I made the first sock, but the no one, not even the person who requested the class, signed up. I’m considering just using the yarn for knit socks sometime in the future, an making the crocheted sock into a cat toy or stocking or something.
6. Cat Couch. I started this in August 2008. I want to make something nice for the cats, and I know they’ll love it. I just can’t seem to manage to keep my focus on it. I think it just doesn’t help that the yarn doesn’t really grab me. It’s an inexpensive acrylic I bought because it was on sale and I know anything that I give the cats will eventually be destroyed. It’s ok that it will be destroyed because it means the cats loved it, but I think the finite nature of its existence when I’ve finished it kind of discourages me.
7. Colorado Gloves. I had forgotten until I looked on my Ravelry queue why I put these down – I had developed a little carpal tunnel and I just couldn’t knit for awhile. I want to finish them, but the problem with things I’ve designed myself is that if I can’t remember where I was, I can’t just look at a pattern. What’s more, I have no idea where I left this one. I’ll have do some looking in my craft room in the upcoming week.
8. Hemp Shopping Bag. Eventually, I want to finish this, but there is no urgency because I have plenty of store bought ones. The bags from Safeway don’t hold up well, but the ones I got at Whole Foods do hold up well (plus, if they ever do break, Whole Foods will replace them for free). Again, something I designed myself.
9. Spiral Rug. This one should be easy to finish. It’s all garter stitch, I get to change yarns often (it holds my interest), and there isn’t that much left to do. It’s when I get to the part where I have to sew it up that I will be struggling. I so hate sewing.
10. Beach Skirt. This is the one I dreamed about not long before I got really sick. I need to finish it soon if I want it to fit my niece. I did, at least, make it larger than I thought she would need it to be since I anticipated her growing more before I finished it (see, thinking ahead).
11. Gwendolyn. No, the picture isn’t fuzzy – the yarn is. I had a lot of this pink angora yarn in my cabinet for awhile, but I had no idea what I was going to do with it. At some point I decided to make a shawl of some sort, but then I discovered the lace pattern took more focus than I had. Ah, well. It’ll come back.
12. Ryan’s Afghan. My friend Ryan asked me to make him a warm afghan out of acrylic yarn. He had no real idea of what it should look like, he just wanted to have something for the chilly San Francisco weather. I started it, but I never even got so far as to put it in my Ravelry queue. Mostly, this is an exercise in crochet intarsia. I wanted to try something new, and what better way to use up smaller balls of yarn?
13. An exercise in Mitered Squares. This isn’t exactly a project. I was fooling around with making mitered squares, and trying to see how I would join them up to make something. I have no idea what that something is, mind you, but I just wanted to try. I was using up some yarn that I only had in small quantities. I will probably give this to Duck when I’ve finished learning what I want to know.
14. Knitting Guild Master’s Project. I ordered the curriculum while I was still working at the yarn shop. Somewhere between my acquisition of Duck, working, laying the hardwood floors, and getting sick after all of that, I just never really worked on it. This one differs from the Crochet Guild Master’s Project in that they give you as long as you want to finish it. You just have to ask for the updated version of the test every year. Mine has been in this plastic bag for about a year and a half. <ugh>

I’m trying to see the theme with the projects I’ve left for a long time. For the most part, it appears I reached a stumbling block and gave up. A lot of my problem is that I haven’t really had the focus to get serious about knitting for the last seven months. I honestly believe that my desire to get to this has something to do with my body finally but slowly healing. It seems my illness totally warped my personality. Normally, I view a road block as an opportunity to learn something, and I rise to the challenge readily. Since I got sick, I just got frustrated with everything and I started giving up.  I’ve had a few good hours in most days since I last posted. I’ve been working closely with my doctors, tweaking the supplements as things change. I think I’ll get there, both with the health and this list. Right now, I think I need to go lie down.

Setting Goals

Check this out – I’m posting again within a few days my last post. I don’t know what to think about this – maybe I’m getting some of that ambition back? It would be nice.

I’ll start with a short health update: I haven’t been able to experiment with the magic combination of supplements because, unfortunately, I got a cold. I can’t help but feel my physical response to getting a cold is exaggerated. I mean, for most people, they get a little stuffy, maybe a little tired, but they can function. When I get even a small cold, it just wipes me out. I forced myself to have a good time with my gaming group yesterday because I have so few interactions anymore with real people who aren’t doctors. Since I last posted, I also managed to do some research on nitric oxide, and I learned something hilarious – the supplement I’m taking seems to be the herbal equivalent of Viagra! No, the doctor isn’t crazy for prescribing that to me. Viagra was originally developed to help people with heart problems, basically by modulating the nitric oxide pathways in the body, thereby opening up blood vessels. The reason we know Viagra as a drug for erectile dysfunction is that the pharmaceutical companies found this to be a more profitable way to market the drug.

Today, I’m going to get back to the original topic of my blog, to some degree. I’ve been feeling that since I’m kind of trapped in my house, sentenced to doing low energy activities, I should use that for some practical purpose. I just hate feeling like I’m doing nothing, like I’m useless. I’ve got some goals related to knitting and outside activities, so I thought I’d share them, to make me more accountable. Here they are, more or less in the order I manage to think of them:

1. Write a book. I have no idea whether this book is just for me, for only close friends, or for the world, but I want to write a book on what it is like to live with a long-term, mysterious and invisible illness. I won’t know for whom I am writing the book until I’ve finished it because it is kind of personal, and I just don’t know what I want to share and with whom.
2. Finish all of my knitting and crochet WIPs. This has failed in the past, largely because I see something new I like, and I just toss the old stuff aside like dirty laundry. I know that by denying myself the freedom to cast on something new I only manage to trigger a rebellion and I suddenly feel a burning need to cast on a ton of new projects, so I’m going to set guidelines like, “I have to finish three projects already in progress before I cast on a new one.” Of course, then the new one will soon become one of these old projects, so I am really just making the problem worse by adding to it, but at least I am taking a few steps forward as well. And who knows, maybe being trapped into this disciplined yarn crafting might just be the trigger my body needs to get better. I will gladly discard my newly instated rule if I have energy and can do other things that don’t involve sitting down. It would be a reward, in a sense. If I don’t get better, seeing that pile of half-finished projects get smaller would be a different kind of reward.
3. Do a wardrobe purge. This is a smaller project than the others, probably something that will take a day or two, but it’s something I really need to do. I’ve lived in parts of the country that have had relatively consistent weather since I was fifteen years old. First it was Hawai’i, then Florida, then San Francisco (I am using the city here rather than the state because SF really is different than the rest of California in general. They get seasons everywhere else in the Bay Area, but not so much in SF. Southern California has a consistent climate, too, but it’s warm, whereas SF is cold. Even in the summer.). Now I have to have clothes for multiple seasons, and some of them are worn out, some don’t fit anymore (due to weight loss), and some I just don’t like. The volume of clothing I need has become comparatively greater than before. I need to get rid of what I don’t wear, then supplement the areas of my wardrobe that are lacking. The latter part will be harder, since I really don’t have the energy for shopping trips that involve trying on clothes. The goal, though, is just to get rid of stuff. The replacing will come later.
4. Blog more often. This goal is a little vague, but I want to aim for once a week right now. I won’t get too hard on myself if I only manage every other week, though. I think that it might help me achieve my goals if I write down the progress I’ve made. Sometimes I feel like I’ve done nothing until I’ve made an accounting of it. Right now, I need to see that I’m not entirely useless for my self-esteem. I have none left after all this being sick business.
5. Spin a skein of yarn. Also a small goal, but I just haven’t spun anything in a long time, and I really want to. I got a lot of fiber for Christmas (Amazon.com allows you to add things from other websites to your wish list now, so I went to Etsy and added the pretty things I saw), my fiber storage is overflowing, and, well, it’s a way to get new yarn without having to go shopping for it. Plus, spinning is a very mild form of exercise (see how your calves feel the day after spinning for a few hours), and I really want to try to get exercise. I miss simply moving around.
6. Sort out my digital pictures. This is a medium-term project. I have hundreds, maybe thousands of pictures on my hard drives, and I want to do something with them. I’ll probably put quite a few on Facebook, I’ll print some to hang on my walls, maybe I’ll showcase pictures of kittens I had before I started keeping this blog… the idea is that I don’t know what the point is in having all these pictures if they are to remain unseen in a hard drive.

So, I’ve listed goals of varying time commitment and difficulty. I think that I might start with a smaller goal (like spinning a skein of yarn or the wardrobe purge) sooner so that I can get the accomplishment momentum going. The book, WIPs, pictures and blogging will be things that sort of happen in the background, perhaps concurrently, or perhaps I will focus on one of them at some point just to have the achievement. I will make regular updates about them, just to keep me on track.

There are more goals I have in mind, but making them something I have to commit to right now would simply be setting myself up for failure. There are things I want to do like finishing the painting in the house (there is still a lot of wall space left unpainted) and getting back to fostering, but my health limits those. It’s downright dangerous for me to get on a ladder, for example, because all it takes is one black-out and I’ve fallen and broken my neck. Of course, my over-arching goal is to get healthy, but I don’t think I have much control over that. Control that I haven’t already exerted, I mean. I go to the doctors regularly, and I take my supplements regularly, no matter how nasty they are (and let me tell you, some are quite powerful). I’m planning to see a new specialist in Los Angeles for a diagnostic procedure called non-cognitive biofeedback. Admittedly, this one seems a little… out there… but I’m at the point where I’m thinking anything is worth a shot. I cannot go on like this anymore.

So, for now, I’m focusing on what I can do. Modest goals.

Knittin’ and… Video Games?

I still haven’t the energy to do anything too exciting about my knitting or my kittens, let alone post about it (but I have, at least, gotten to the owl part of my Owls sweater). I found my camera, by the way, and I have every intention of photographing my sweater for the next post. I’m mostly posting because I saw couple of things that I just had to share with my yarn people.

There are at least two new video games out with a fibery theme:

Kirby’s Epic Yarn

Crafting Mama.

I was under the mistaken impression that there just wasn’t a whole lot of crossover between the knitting and video games crowds. I wouldn’t have guessed that there was crossover between the yarn craft and bowling crowd, either, but there is at least another woman in my league who crochets between turns. I also met a crocheter at Tacticon. We’re everywhere!

For those of you who are following the uphill battle with my health, I have just a little news. I went to the neuro-endocrinologist, and he did find a few things. I tip to the left when I walk with my eyes closed. He says that points to a mid-brain issue. He was also concerned about my low blood pressure, so he prescribed a supplement with licorice root in it. Normally, licorice root will raise blood pressure, but of course I cannot be normal – it dropped mine. I was taken off the supplement today. I’ll be very interested in what he has to say about it when I see him later this week. I have a feeling I’m going to hear the five word phrase that every doctor seems to say to me lately: “I’ve never seen that before.”

Wish me luck that this can be solved.

Staggering Along

I’m still here.

Every day is a struggle, and my health is probably the worst it’s been, well… ever, but I’m alive. I’m in the care of good doctors who are trying their hardest to figure out the mysteries that are my health problems.

I’ve been knitting, but I can’t seem to focus on it as much as I would like. You know I’m in serious trouble when I can’t foster kittens, can barely knit, and fail to see the humor in farts. Farts became funny again last weekend, but I can’t manage to care for kittens right now. When I find my camera (seriously, where do things like that go?), I’ll put up pictures of the Owls sweater I’ve been working on.

The thing is, the health problem has taken over my entire life. It made me so depressed, so completely devoid of energy that I had to do something to help myself. I’ve spent literally hundreds of hours researching endocrine, neurological, and immune system diseases over the course of the last month. I bring my research to my doctors, some of whom are better about looking into it than others, then we do tests. Many of the tests have come back with the complete opposite of the result that the doctors or I expect. It’s been baffling.

This week, I’m going to see a few new doctors. We’re now back to the idea that my problem may be in the nervous system. I abandoned that idea a while ago because I suspected that the nervous system disorder is a symptom and not the primary disease, but now that we’ve ruled out so many other things, the doctor at the heart of this whole thing thinks I should visit a neurologist. Fair enough.

One of the tests I took in the last few weeks revealed some hormone imbalances. I needed a stop-gap effort to get through the misery that was my everyday life, and I saw an opportunity in that test. The doctor mentioned a condition called Estrogen Dominance, so I did some research. I came to the conclusion that it was a good lead, and it certainly couldn’t hurt to try to monkey around with the hormones (it’s not like I wasn’t going crazy anyway). After I called the doctor (I was at the end of my rope at this point and I’m not proud of how I treated him), he added progesterone to my the mix, and boy, did it make a difference! I don’t mean I’m cured, or that I even have the stamina to make it through a normal day, but it was a great attitude adjustment. I was content to think it was just having a placebo effect, and that was ok with me. Yesterday I tried to skip a dose (at the advice of the doctor, to see what is making a difference) and it wasn’t pretty. I got progressively more unstable as the day went by, but I was actually unaware of it – Michael had to point it out to me. By this morning, I was so unstable that I decided that the progesterone effects are not placebo at all. I’m not skipping any  more doses. I am, however, adding a doctor who specializes in natural hormone replacement to the mix.

My life right now is just like an episode of House. I go from one suspected (and subsequently ruled out) diagnosis to the next, revisit some of them because of bits we didn’t think about, then re-reject them. I’d like to get to the part where the right diagnosis just occurs to someone and I’m magically cured. I think that for me, unlike House’s patients, there may be multiple things wrong, which really complicates the diagnosis progress.

So, for those of you who keep track of me right here on my blog, I’m still trying. I’m still alive. Some days I don’t want to be, but I am. I’ve got people helping me, and I guess that’s all I can ask for. Thanks for that, by the way.

All the Little Pieces

I finally have some answers about what has been wrong with me. Really reasonable answers. Answers that give me something to aim for.

This all goes back to the fact that I started a program designed to get my immune system under control just under six months ago. The short version of the story is that the program worked. It worked well, and it worked fast. In maybe two months or so, my immune system was under control, no longer viciously attacking my thyroid gland all the time. On the surface, that’s great news! The thing is, I was still treating the underactive thyroid with the same dose of medication I had been on before the program. My primary problem is not hypothyroidism, but rather an immune dysfunction that is ultimately associated with the adrenal glands and cortisol. While I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I was really just somewhere in the oscillation between hypothyroidism and hyperthyroidism. Since I treated the cause of the problem instead of the disease that happened to be just a symptom, everything should have gotten better downstream.

Since I had been hypothyroid for so many years (I’ve been treating it for maybe eleven years, now), no one really thought to look for hyperthyroidism. That’s really too bad, because so many bad things started to happen. The breathing and chest pain issue came back. I had heart palpitations (when your heart beats really hard, so much so that you become very aware of it – it seems like a heart attack the first time it happens, before you know what’s going on). Next I started to have trouble staying asleep, getting maybe four hours of sleep per night. At first I felt really good, maybe for three weeks. Eventually, though, being in a hypermetabolic state took its toll on me. I started to lose weight at an alarming rate. I developed a low-grade fever (usually around 99.6) that was accompanied by nervous breakdowns. In the last few weeks, I started experiencing numbness or constant pain in certain nerves. To top it all off, this whole time I’ve been dealing with burning muscle pain that is only partially and temporarily relieved by massage. Anti-inflammatory medications just didn’t work for me. I was such a mess. Still am, for the record. For the last two months, I’ve been sick to the point where it interferes with having a normal life.

I stopped taking the thyroid medication for a month. Normally, this isn’t a good idea, but I resorted to that option because I had trouble communicating with my endocrinologist. When I knew for certain that I was hyperthyroid (my chiropractor did regular blood tests to confirm this), I called my endocrinologist’s office. The thing is, they make you talk to a nurse rather than the doctor himself. She then takes the message to the doctor, who tells her what to tell you and she calls back. This process is ridiculous. First of all, it’s a literal game of telephone – things get lost and confused in the translations. Second, had I been able to speak to the doctor, he’d have been able to ask some very relevant, very important questions. As it stood, I told the nurse that my thyroid medication was at a much too high dose, and that I thought it needed to be dropped significantly. She went to the doctor, who told her that I was just having a normal fluctuation and should only drop the dose by a little bit. This process took two days. I informed her that I didn’t think that this was just a fluctuation, that I had been seeing a chiropractor who managed to control the underlying disease, and that I thought we really needed to reevaluate my dose as if I were a newly diagnosed thyroid patient. The nurse was really rude to me. She asked “so you think your chiropractor cured you and that you don’t need medication anymore?” I informed her that, no, he didn’t cure me, but he did manage the underlying disease, which really affects my needs for thyroid medication. She said she’d bring it to the doctor, but she never called back. She had such an attitude with me, and I knew she really didn’t get what I was trying to tell her. She seemed to think I was some kind of idiot. I chose to take matters into my own hands because I was being dismissed.

It gets worse. The levels of thyroid hormone in my system left me in a state of thyrotoxicosis. What this means is that the levels of thyroid hormone in my body had gotten to a toxic level. If left untreated, I was at risk for a thyroid storm, which is the release of a whole bunch of thyroid hormone all at once. Thyroid storm can be fatal. I don’t think that I ever quite experienced a thyroid storm, but I did get pretty close. The endocrinologist would have known that had he spoken to me personally.

The best thing I could have done in that circumstance was to discontinue the meds (given that I couldn’t get the doctor to prescribe a significantly smaller dose, which would have been the best option). After a few days, most of the symptoms of hyperthyroidism, particularly the sleeplessness and the heart palpitations, began to subside. I decided that I would give the medication a month to clear my system, then I would go to my primary care physician (who is much more accessible) to get my medication needs reevaluated.

While I was off the thyroid medication, another complication appeared (which exemplifies why it’s generally not a good idea to quit taking the meds cold turkey). I began to have severe emotional crashes. I was suicidal much of the time, and just plain critically depressed the rest of time. I started to experience a lot of physical pain, from nerve pain to muscular pain. I would sleep twelve hours a night and not wake up rested. With naps, I was sleeping about sixteen hours a day. It was a complete disaster. The reason for this is complex. Because my metabolism was so high for so long, it overtaxed my adrenal glands. The adrenal glands are responsible for producing cortisol, which regulates inflammation and stress responses in the body (in addition to a few other things, but these are the relevant functions for my story). The high metabolism forced the adrenal glands to produce cortisol at a very high level to combat the stress of being generally overworked. The thing is, the adrenal glands can only do that so long before they, too, become tired. When my metabolism slowed down and stopped stimulating the adrenal gland so aggressively, the adrenal gland began to take breaks, effectively collapsing from exhaustion.

This left me in a very precarious state. Any stress, no matter how small, caused an extreme physical reaction in my body. Muscles cramped up, and inflammation plagued me. I had nervous breakdowns. I also had this feeling that I needed to be dead – it was like a call of nature. Often when someone is suicidal, it’s a reaction to a situation that makes them feel frustrated and powerless. The desire to kill oneself is fueled by anger and passion (I’ve been there, I know). This was a very different feeling. It was like my body knew it was malfunctioning on a critical level, and maybe it figured I was dying already, so might as well make it quick? The only way I could stop myself from doing something about it was to call someone.  This happened a lot.

I got some supporting supplements from my chiropractor, and things got a little more manageable. I never felt “good” (and I still don’t), but I was at least stable and not constantly in danger of offing myself. I reintroduced the thyroid hormone into my body at a much lower level, and it also helped a bit. It wasn’t long, though, before I became hyperthyroid again. This is where I’m at now. For about two days, I got normal levels of sleep and woke up comparatively (but not properly) refreshed. As the hormone level came back to toxic levels, I stopped sleeping for more than four hours at a stretch, and even that sleep wasn’t (isn’t) really solid – I wake up several times per night. The heart palpitations started again, and I had trouble breathing accompanied by chest pain. I gave it ten days to settle out (because it may have been my body just getting used to the hormone again), but it only got worse. I just had a blood draw today to confirm the hyperthyroidism, and tomorrow the doctor should have the lab results to justify dropping the dose again. I am nowhere near out of the woods.

The hyperthyroidism is also responsible for another mysterious, chronic condition I’ve had – the chest pain and shortness of breath. Because I just had to know what was wrong with me, I spent many, many hours researching my symptoms, conditions, etc. Here’s what I learned:

Excess thyroid hormone has the effect of dilating (relaxing) the blood vessels, and if you’re thyrotoxic, it can lead to low blood pressure. No doctor has ever believed me when I said I thought my blood pressure was too low – with the focus on high blood pressure in this country, it seems doctors can forget that low pressure is a problem, too. The doctors tell me that it’s great that I have such low blood pressure and immediately move on to other matters. Recently my resting blood pressure was measured at 98/56. Ideally, your systolic blood pressure (the top number) will be somewhere between 90 and 120. This indicates that your heart is contracting well and properly supplying blood to your body. The diastolic blood pressure should be between 60 and 80. This means that when the heart relaxes, the ventricles are properly refilling for the next contraction, pushing blood back into circulation. My diastolic pressure was too low – that means that my heart is unable to properly refill after a contraction. This condition, when it leads to pulmonary edema (fluid build-up in the lungs) is known as Diastolic Congestive Heart Failure (or left-sided heart failure). The link I included describes the condition pretty well, except that it leaves out another possible cause of the dysfunction – heart palpitations. Somewhere between the fact that my blood pressure is too low to force blood back into the heart and the fact that my heart beats too fast, giving the blood less time to go where it is supposed to, my left ventricle was not refilling. This leads to angina (chest pain). Think of it like vomiting when there is nothing in your stomach – it hurts more when that happens. The blood that didn’t make it into the ventricle then backs up into your lungs, creating pulmonary edema. It was upon reading the three articles I referenced in this paragraph that I figured out what was going on. One of the articles I linked to above notes that the kind of heart failure I have is often missed by doctors. But I caught it.

I even think I know the mechanism by which the whole thing is happening to me. There are two times that my blood pressure is inappropriately low: when I exercise and the blood pressure does not rise enough to meet the demands of my body, and when I rest for long periods of time. I believe that when something (the thyroid, the brain, the adrenal glands – who knows?) detects that my blood pressure is at dangerously low levels, my body produces adrenaline to increase my heart rate. I think that’s how it generally works, and that’s why your blood pressure naturally rises when you exercise. The complication occurs when my blood vessels are too relaxed to respond to the rapid heart rate. I think, but am not certain, that if my thyroid hormone levels are more carefully regulated, this problem can reverse itself.

I’ve presented my theory about the heart issue to four of my doctors so far. When they heard my thought process, they all said to me that it was incredibly impressive that I figured this out. They thought my idea was completely logical, and most likely the correct diagnosis. Two of them suggested that I should seriously consider going into medicine because I have a unique perspective (of experience, largely) combined with a really great puzzle solving ability and could contribute a lot to the field.

I’m taking all of this in right now. I’ve been looking into getting back into the work force when/if I get better. I thought I was going to take up a career in yarn craft, and maybe it might still be a serious hobby, but after the experience I just had and the repeated suggestion that I should go into medicine, I have to rethink my feelings on the matter. I don’t believe in predestination, but I do believe that sometimes things happen that really shape your life, that suggest where you should be heading. I do have a unique opportunity here to do something big. At the same time, the idea is really scary to me. It just seems too big, and I wonder if I can really do it. I just don’t know. What I do know is that I have to focus on getting better first. It might take a long time.

I have a lot to think about.

San Francisco as a Tourist

Visiting San Francisco is a bit like coming home to me – I did live here for five years, after all. I like that when I come visit, I know where to get things I want, how to get around (I was not paying attention when they handed out direction sense, so I didn’t get any – a problem when I travel) and that many of my friends are here. While walking around, I realized that I have actually failed to see the place from a tourist’s point of view before. The first time I came here, Michael was interviewing for a job, and we knew we were going to live here soon. The city never had a chance to be a novelty for me.

On this trip we are staying in a different hotel than we normally do. It’s on the Embarcadero, which runs along the north side of the city. It’s where you will find the Ferry Building, Fisherman’s Wharf, etc.

View Larger Map

I looked out the back door of the hotel a few days ago and noticed that we had a view of San Francisco Bay and the Bay Bridge. I don’t live anywhere near water anymore, and somehow the sight of the Bay made me regret that fact. The stiff breeze (it’s always cold here in SF, especially in the summer) made me feel thankful that I no longer live near the water. It’s funny what a little perspective can do for me.

I know this scene somehow looks warm, but don’t let it fool you – it was maybe in the mid-50s (and this in in the middle of July!) when I went out.

There are places in San Francisco that I miss. I love the Ferry Building. Inside, it’s mostly a farmer’s market, with shops selling artisan cheeses, olive oil, and other food items. There are also a few chain stores, but mostly the chains are coffee shops. There is also a kitchen gadget chain store inside. Right inside the door nearest to my hotel is a small kiosk for Mariposa, a gluten-free bakery! In the plaza right outside of the Ferry Building, there’s a local art market in the summer and an ice skating rink in the winter.

Another place I used to love? Mitchell’s Ice Cream. They have the most wonderful ice cream I’ve ever eaten. The secret is that they have the highest butter fat content you can get without turning the ice cream into… well… I don’t know what it would be, but there is a fine line between amazing ice cream and just a lump of fat. I confess that I went there last night. I hadn’t eaten any significant amount of sugar in a while, and I figured that it’s been a few weeks since I last tested the dairy allergy, so no big deal. I have good news and bad news about that – my throat didn’t swell this time, but I did have to sleep two more hours last night than I normally need. It’s progress.

And finally, I went to Imagiknit. It’s my favorite yarn shop ever. Imagiknit has more yarn than I do than any other shop I’ve ever been to. I can easily spend a fortune in there – as a matter of fact, I have spent a small fortune in there on multiple occasions (not that I engaged in that practice today…) . Maybe it’s best that I no longer live close enough to go every day. A few months ago, I bought the cashmere for the christening gown at Imagiknit. The store owner, Alison, asked me to show her pictures of the finished product, so I did one better – I brought it with me to show her in person. She was pretty excited, and she took pictures to put on her blog (so look for me, I’ll be famous one day!).

I took time to notice more than just the places I miss. There are small details about the city that surprise me, exasperate me, or just intrigue me.

It’s a nice surprise to see actual foliage in the urban landscape that is San Francisco.

It exasperates me the way that every place, no matter where you are going is uphill. The cold, dreary weather also made me miserable on a regular basis when I lived here. I should mention that there are micro-climates in San Francisco, and some neighborhoods(like the Mission) can actually be warm in the summer. Look carefully at the picture on the right, though, and you’ll see that on most days, everyone is bundled up for mild winter weather, even in July.

The random art that dots the streets of San Francisco intrigues me. I admit, I’m not into sculpture and paintings and such, but I do appreciate that you won’t find these things anywhere else. I hope to get a shot of some of the murals in the Mission before I go home this time. I did get a few things I haven’t seen before, though.

I kind of like the monster! He had friends, but I was in a hurry to get food and only caught this one.

It’s been fun to see San Francisco as a tourist. I didn’t realize just how much I could see, even given that I spend my days here flitting from one social engagement to the next.

On Wednesday, I replaced all the things I forgot to bring with me and then went to knit night. On Thursday, I took the day off and mostly stayed in the hotel so I could have the energy to make it through Scottish Country Dance class (my picture is still on the fliers – I’ll have to scan it for you!). I forgot to go to the Animal Welfare Commission meeting – oops. On Friday, I did something that I can’t tell you about until some people at home see it in person, then I went out to get my nails done with Naomi (knitting Naomi). In the evening, Michael and I met up with our friend Ryan for dinner and then a board game at another friend’s (Tim’s) house. Today, we started the afternoon by meeting an old co-worker of Michael’s, Vicki. I made her a blanket for her new baby last year, and they still use it – she even said it was the nicest baby gift they got! Michael went rock climbing while I went to Imagiknit. After coming home and taking a short nap (I’m very sore and wiped out from all the walking and from dance class), we met Harriett for dinner. Tomorrow, I am going to pick up a copy of Dragon Quest 9, then I am meeting a new friend in Union Square while Michael goes off to watch the World Cup game with Naomi’s husband. I am hoping to meet the other Naomi (kitten foster mom Naomi) after my lunch date. In the evening, I am hoping to catch my old friends Brendan and Bethany (we met them on a cruise to Mexico shortly after we moved to San Francisco) for dinner and maybe some theater. On Monday I plan to spend the day volunteering at the city shelter, then I am meeting Michael and Judie (whom we met on our first cruise to Hawai’i for our 5th anniversary) for dinner. I can’t remember if I have anything on Tuesday yet. Still, as you can see, the schedule is full – I am burning the candle at both ends while I’m here. I will attempt to put up another post before I go home, and I will continue to try to see the city from a tourist’s point of view. It should be interesting!

P.S. – I stole the emoticon from this site.

Fear of Old Technology

I read the Yarn Harlot post today, the day I leave for San Francisco. Reading her blog is usually a good part of my day, where I get a good laugh and maybe a glimpse of some knitting porn. It seems that Stephanie is flying today, and she had a run in with some airline attendants. One of them asked her to put her knitting away because it is “dangerous,” and the other was perplexed about why Stephanie had put away her knitting. It’s that sort of unpredictability that makes flying so unbearably anxiety provoking for me. The TSA says right here that knitting is expressly permitted on the plane. Admittedly, it only says you may have the needles in your carry-on bag, but they also mention that they realize you are bringing the needles to pursue a “Needlepoint” project. Given that knitting needles and pens have a lot in common in their shape and lethality levels, and you’re allowed to have pens out, I cannot see the argument for banning knitting in flight.

It got me thinking – the only people who actually think knitting is dangerous are those who have never actually touched knitting needles in their lives. I once had a friend who went on and on about how “those needles, especially the sock needles” are scary and you could seriously hurt someone with them. I then pulled a sock needle out of my work and let her hold it. “Oh,” she exclaimed, “these are blunt. It would be difficult to hurt anyone with them.” To apply a little logic to the situation, I would like to point out that if knitting needles were that dangerous, knitters probably would be using a different tool to get the job done. You’d also hear more stories about knitters going on a rampage, needling people to death. I assure you, if I ever go on a rampage, it’s because some S.O.B stole my needles, not because I was allowed to keep them.

I have a brilliant idea: we should have a “Teach a Muggle to Knit” holiday. It would be a day where we force non-knitters to sit down for just a few minutes and hold a pair of knitting needles. The victims students don’t really have to learn to knit, but maybe just to respect that knitters are a peaceful folk and that our tools, while unfamiliar, are not dangerous. No more so than a pen. Ooh! Better yet – we teach them to knit with pens and pencils. Now I have another magnificent idea – there should be a special class in Flight Attendant School in which they learn how to handle knitters. In the curriculum should be a bit about how the only certain way of keeping a knitter calm is to let her/him go about her/his business in peace. It should be emphasized that taking knitting needles away from a knitter is like taking food from a wild animal – this should not be done unless you are looking for a way to lose a limb.

I’m probably just crabby because I haven’t slept well in a few days. But still, these are good ideas. Think about it.

How I Knew

I’ve been on yet another of our combined business/ friend visiting trips this week. We have one more trip to San Francisco coming up, then we have a break until September when my sister-in-law is expecting to have her (currently unborn) baby’s christening. After that, there are no plans, but I know something will come up. For example, I came to understand that my Aunt Lydia and Uncle Greg are in their last year living in Italy, so I may leave the continent for the first time in my life. Anne-Catherine, if you’re reading this, we plan to come see you, too!

I had a few very odd feelings before this trip. A day or two before, I got the feeling like a big life change was coming. I spoke to my husband about it, but he couldn’t really think of anything momentous that should be coming up. Regardless, I knew. I’ve always had such strong pattern recognition skills combined with a high passive perception score (sorry, I’ve been playing too much Dungeons and Dragons of late!) that I have dreams of events before they transpire. I’ve been informed more than once that I seem to always know how something is going to play out, but not a lot of people believe me until after the fact (Cassandra syndrome). The feelings I had about this upcoming event were so strong that I felt compelled to share them on Facebook, particularly when I was at the airport (we all know by now how I feel about that place) and there were tornado warnings blasting over the intercom. I just felt like everything was as it was meant to be.

Also in the week prior to the trip, I learned of a cruel coincidence. The National Needle Arts Association (TNNA) was going to have their trade show in the hotel right across the street from the hotel we were in for the Ohio portion of Michael’s business presentations. Why might this be cruel, you ask? Well, I am not a member of TNNA, and you have to be in order to get in. I would have to own a business with a business ID number, or since I teach, I’d need a long list of requirements that I simply could not gather in time for the show.

When we got to the hotel, it was very late. The tornadoes delayed our trip by about an hour an a half, so we had to get in and get to sleep right away so Michael could get up in the morning. If I was going to do anything about even trying to get into the trade show, I also needed to be up early. Before we attempted sleep, I looked out the window. My view

was this – the location of the TNNA trade show.

I found myself simply unable to sleep after about 7:20am. All the better since, if I wanted to see the pretty yarn, I had to get it all in before noon when we were scheduled to drive to Michigan. I went to the restaurant attached to the hotel for my breakfast. Almost immediately after I sat down, the waiter asked if I was one of the knitters. Cool – I wasn’t even knitting or wearing a knitted item! A critical (natural 20) on the stealth (or perhaps the disguise or streetwise) check. I informed him that no, I wished to attend the trade show, but I could not. However, at this point I knew that I could blend in if I wanted to attempt to gain access to the show. I belonged there!

On my way out of the restaurant, I noticed a woman with a Eucalan bag. Knowing that she had to be involved with the show, I stepped out of character and started up a conversation with her (I don’t usually talk to strangers unless the approach me first, but I’ve made a concerted effort to be less shy lately). I told her about my situation and asked if she knew of any way to get an “ordinary knitter” into the show. The very kind lady informed me that no, I could not get into the show since they were checking badges at the doors, but if I happened to have the requirements together I could sign up to be a TNNA member on the spot. I told her I didn’t know about the show early enough before my trip to gather the letters and such that I would need, so I was out of luck. “Well, there is a display right before the gates,” the lady informed me. “You could look and touch the yarns, maybe pick up a few samples.” Perfect. I went straight to the convention center.

The walk to the part of the convention center with the trade show was very, very long. I had to climb flights of stairs and walk nearly to the other side of the surprisingly large building. All at once I saw the knitters – and the yarn. Oh, the pretty yarn. I helped myself to one of the books listing the names of some of the vendors and what they had on the sample display. I noticed other knitters taking samples of yarn from beneath the displays and taping them into the books, so after gazing at and fondling some of the samples, I did the same. I noticed another knitter taking pictures, and since no one yelled at him, I did so, too. Here’s what I have:

These two were my favorite displays. The one on the left is Pear Tree Fibres, 100% pure Australian wool. The yarn was so soft that I just couldn’t stop touching it. In fact, they call the yarn “Supersoft.” The one on the right is Knitcellaneous. I particularly liked the “Scrumptious,” a blend of merino wool and silk.

There were other very nice displays that I liked, but the ones above were my favorites. Here’s just a sample of what they had:

I plan to show my samples to some of my local yarn shop owners and ask that they carry them. Heck, I’ll probably take them to San Francisco and ask my favorite shops out there to carry them as well. I figure the TNNA folks can’t get too mad that I kind of snuck in if I bring the vendors some business. I should also note that I would not be foolish enough to blog about it if I actually did sneak in to the trade show because a) I might like to be a member one day and having a written confession in a public forum would not help my chances and b) had I managed to do it, giving away my secrets would make it impossible to do so again.

That said, I realized something after I left the trade show. I wanted in badly. I wanted in so badly that I contemplated trying to con my way in, maybe trying to sweet talk someone at the front desk into taking pity on me because fate wanted me to be here. I also realized that I’ve been trying to figure out what career path I want to pursue now that I’m feeling better. The last time I had to have blood drawn, I had a moment that I truly believe was predestined. I forgot the paperwork but I didn’t realize it until I had driven all the way to the testing facility. I had to drive all the way home, and I was starving because I was fasting. It made me bitter because when I came back, the waiting room was much fuller and I’d have to wait even longer to get through it. I sat down and took out my knitting. A few moments later, a little girl arrived with her mother. “Oh, look!” she cried, “Mommy, she’s knitting!” The little girl asked her mother to teach her, and the mother was kind of trying to dissuade the little girl, so I wasn’t sure if I should offer my services (in retrospect, I could have slipped the mother a card and let her decide for herself). I wondered then if it was a sign. I think, my friends, that my questions have answered themselves. I have officially decided to pursue an honest-to-goodness career in the needle arts.

I most certainly thought about a career in other fields. I mean, this blog is “Knittin’ and Kittens” – I couldn’t pick just one subject. I seriously contemplated finishing what I started in college, ending up as a veterinarian. I still desperately want the title of “Doctor,” and I want to be just as important as the teachers always told me I’d be when they realized I was a lot smarter than most of the other kids when I was going to school. Alas, life has not led me there. Now that Michael and I travel so much, going to school and having a practice of my own would be impractical. Additionally, I began to realize that I hate it when people come to me for advice about animals, then ignore it in favor of  what their friends and family think. As a vet, I’d have to deal with people not giving the meds I prescibe and then wondering why their pet isn’t getting better. I’d have to kill animals that I believe I could save, just because the owner doesn’t want to pay the bill and won’t surrender the animal. I have to bite my tongue to keep from ripping the back yard breeders a new one for their contribution to the killing of perfectly wonderful shelter animals. I’d fail as a vet because I care too much about the animals themselves – it would be better if I just liked the field of medicine. My contribution to the animal welfare field is best kept to exactly what I am doing right now – fostering. This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t also go to school for the vet tech license I was contemplating. Getting the education would give me a better understanding of how to help my kittens, and give me a way to earn extra cash if I want to. I am writing all this here because I had to admit it to myself first, and that was a hard step to take.

I’m not saying that the yarn-craft career is a second choice option, either. When I really think about it, it’s what I should have been looking into all along. I started to work with yarn when I learned to read, and that was well before I started to attend school. I love yarn. I want to be involved in every aspect of yarn, from making it to dying it to making it into projects. I am good at and enjoy doing the math to make my projects look and fit the way I want them to. I’ve written technical manuals, which aren’t that different from writing a pattern book when you get to the essence of it. As a bonus, a career in yarn craft would absolutely suit the lifestyle I have now. I can knit and design projects when we are traveling (so long as the government doesn’t keep punishing knitters for the acts of terrorists… grr… as if we had something to do with it), and if someone doesn’t like my knitting advice, I am not at all offended because no lives are at stake (and it’s art – there are no hard and fast rules in art). The best part is that I enjoy the work so much that I do it for fun – imagine if I could draw a regular pay check from it!

So the events leading up to and including the trip I am on now have shown me what I should have known all along. I am not a knitter – I’m a Knitter.