How the World Changed in a Month

Roughly a month ago I restarted my cleanse diet. I didn’t have the miraculous return to health like the first time I tried it, as I established in the last post. I did, however, have a few weird and disappointing discoveries.

After abstaining for a while, I decided to have a bit of coffee. I rely on caffeine to get through a day awake, and I don’t have a problem with the caffeine in tea, so I thought this would be no big deal. I had a cup of an unidentified flavored coffee in my fridge, and it gave me a stomach ache. I gave it a few days, then tried again with organic, plain coffee and seemed to not react. I added cocoa powder (soy and corn free) and had the stomach aches like I had with gluten. I tried chocolate almond milk (again, soy and corn free) and had the same bad reaction. A friend suggested I try raw cocoa nibs, and again, the same. So far, I know I have a problem with cocoa and possibly coffee (unlikely, but still possible. I should test more once I am completely healed). On the bright side, I told this to the acupuncturist, and she did a treatment that should correct that problem. I have to wait until my gut has completely healed to try again, so we’ll just see.

I added rice and potatoes back, too, and the jury’s out as to whether they are a problem. These, too, will be retested after abstaining for awhile. How does a person get so many devastating food allergies/intolerances?

Near the end of the cleanse, something even weirder happened. I woke up one morning and, while putting in my contacts, noticed that the whites of my eyes had turned yellow. I went to a doctor and she confirmed that my eyes were still yellow. She ran blood tests to check liver function, and since I hadn’t had a thyroid panel in a long time, ran that, too.

I was able to follow-up with my regular Nurse Practitioner, C, a week later. “Your tests are perfectly normal,” she tells me. “Every value you have is in the center of the range. Good job with the self-regulation of your thyroid hormone dosage, by the way – that’s perfectly in the center of the range, too.” I should point out, if I haven’t already, that C told me to dose my thyroid meds based on my heart symptoms rather than worrying about the lab values. Better to be hypothyroid than in heart failure as far as I’m concerned.

She then asked, “Were you vaccinated for Hepatitis B?” I told her I was, right before college. “Well, that’s odd – you have no antibodies, no immunity to Hepatitis B. I think you’re a non-responder as far as vaccines are concerned.” Makes sense – I’ve contracted diseases I’ve been vaccinated against (like pertussis) or already contracted and should have subsequent immunity to (like chicken pox – I got it twice). This explains a lot, though. My immune system is perfectly happy to attack tissues that belong in my body, but send in a foreign body and the immune system fails to respond. This, to me, is clear proof that something is wrong with my immune system. More confirmation for the ME/CFS diagnosis.

A few days later, I started to feel ill, My lymph nodes swelled up, I got a little congested… I (foolishly) thought I just caught a cold. Heh. I wish. It turned into the full-on flu. I suffered from that for most of a week, and have spent the last week recovering. The acupuncturist offered her theory about the situation. She said that maybe the jaundice was the first sign of the flu. Maybe it got stuck in the most vulnerable organ I had and then replicated there. I could buy that. Nothing about me is normal.

Luckily, I recovered in time to attend a conference on autoimmune disease at a local hospital today. I will devote a full post to that in the future (I’m no longer going to try to predict when, as my illnesses keep getting in the way). I am glad I made it to that conference – it seems that the research is going in the right direction.

In the midst of all this, I made a career move. Dr B has been telling me that I should get into patient advocacy. He thinks that I have some really good life experience, and I have a lot to add to that field. After dealing with a situation in which a friend was being bullied into seeing what other people thought was “the right doctor” for her condition, I realized Dr B was right. I have had to deal with so many health care choices, doctors who don’t listen (or are just plain wrong), other people who think they have THE answer, and other trials and tribulations of being chronically and mysteriously ill that I have a special insight into the whole process. An insight that I can use to help others get what they want and need out of health care.

I looked up information on how to become a patient advocate and learned that really, there is no process. You can just decide to do the job. There are no certifications or degree programs. There are classes and certificate programs, but they don’t actually certify you to do anything – they’re just educational. I might take some of those classes at some point (especially the HIPAA classes), but yeah, I’m ready now.

My plan is to make educational material and do talks about how to get what you want out of health care. Medicine is an uncertain science, and there is rarely only one right way to treat yourself, especially with a chronic condition. I want to point out that patients have rights to refuse treatment if they so choose. I want people to realize the doctor works for them, and that if he/she isn’t working out, they don’t have to stay with that particular practitioner. I want to teach people how to take control of the situation by doing their own research and getting a doctor to listen. I want people to understand that they, not the doctor, make the healing happen. I want them to really think about how they want to care for their health (i.e. natural vs. pharmaceutical, preventative vs. reactive) and go get that. So, I’ve started by attending the autoimmune diseases conference. I’ve also got a nebulous outline for my first talk.

I’ve already had to put my patient advocacy skills to work with our fluffy friend, Duck. For the last few years, Duck has been plagued with diarrhea. I could usually make it go away with lots of probiotics, but this time, it stopped working. I took Duck into the vet and learned he lost roughly half a pound (this is a lot for a twelve pound cat). The vet did an ultrasound, and showed me that Duck has inflammatory bowel disease. His intestinal walls had thickened in some areas, indicating that immune cells are coalescing. The doctor then informed me that Duck would need to be on corticosteroids and chemotherapy for the rest of his life.

I reminded the vet that I foster, and suppressing Duck’s immune system long-term seemed like a poor choice, given that I invite cat disease into my home with every litter I take. “You’ll just have to cross your fingers with that, I guess,” he told me. I asked what long-term effects the chemo might have, and he said that there was an office cat who had been on chemo for seven years and he was just fine. The vet then gave Duck a steroid shot and sent me home with the prednisone and chemo meds.

I left with the medication, and burst into tears on the way home. The vet nurses told me that I would have to give Duck the chemo meds while wearing gloves – that the medicine wasn’t safe for me to touch. I thought about the idea that, if the medicine isn’t safe for me to touch, how could it be safe for my two-year-old baby to take? I always knew he could die young, but to die of the effects of chemo? I then realized that the principles I wanted to convey in my patient advocacy practice apply here. I sought a second opinion with a holistic vet.

This vet, along with several of my cat harboring friends, thought the suggested protocol was extreme. The holistic vet offered me supplements, along with a vaccine detox (unlike in human medicine, veterinary medicine recognizes adverse reactions to vaccines) to try first. Luckily, Duck likes the supplements, and started eating as soon as the steroids wore off.

He hasn’t had any recurrence of the diarrhea yet. I’m not taking steroids off the table entirely, but I am never going to do the chemo. I decided (after reading about how the outcomes of most cancers do not improve despite treatment) that I wouldn’t treat cancer in myself or my cats (save for easily treated versions like early stage melanoma). No, I cannot justify the use of chemo in any circumstance.

In other news, I picked up a foster kitten about a week ago. Meet Mozzie:

When he sits, Mozzie has a heart on his left flank and a broken heart on his right flank. When he stands up, the markings are less obvious – they’re more roundish blobs.

Mozzie was shy and ill when I first got him. He hid behind the toilet and hissed when we went in to visit. It a matter of days, Mozzie cracked – he loves us now, and turns out to be the most affectionate kitten. Mozzie loves to be held, he loves to purr, and he loves to simply be near his people.

In addition to all the above events, this month I got wind that yet another of my friends is expecting. I’ll reveal who in a few months – she wasn’t telling anyone at first, but decided a few days later that maybe she did want to tell. I’ve informed a few close friends, but I somehow don’t feel right announcing it here just yet. I am knitting and crocheting baby stuff like crazy now. I am squeezing in a few other things, but not a whole lot. I fear Michael may never get his socks!

Well, maybe I’ll work on them when we go on the Caribbean cruise we also planned this month. More details about that in the future.

Told you the world changed this month!

The only thing that didn’t change is that I’ve kept knitting. I finished K’s winter garments:

But I forgot to photograph the mittens before I mailed them! Oops. I’m going to visit her and Dr B in May, so I’ll try to get a shot then. Maybe I can a picture of the socks I made her for Christmas as well.

I’m also almost done with Dr R’s giant socks. I’ll see if I can get a shot if him wearing them on Monday (because I should totally have them finished – they are worsted weight socks, after all…). I’m also making progress on Jen’s crayon blanket. Her little girl is due in June, so I don’t have a whole lot of time left.

Well, I have a lot of work to do. My next priority is talking about the autoimmune diseases conference, so be on the lookout!

Superstition

I once heard about a superstition which dictates that whatever you do on New Year’s Day, you’ll be doing for the rest of the year. I’m not generally one to buy into that sort of thought process, but I figured that maybe it couldn’t hurt to indulge the idea this time. It’s not like there are bad consequences for doing so. It was for this reason that I was pretty thrilled that I woke up just before 7:00 this morning. I felt somewhat clear-headed, and I even had a little ambition. I tried to get the house clean the day before, with the idea that if I had to do heavy housework on New Year’s Day, I would be doomed to live in a filthy house that needs that sort of work for the rest of the year. So, it was about silly little things like that.

Not long after I woke up, I took a little pseudoephedrine. I hate to do that, especially in light of my decision to indulge the above superstition, but I figured I could just keep in mind that I’ve been popping large numbers of pills every day for the last year and a half, and smaller numbers for the previous 11 years. This isn’t really anything new. It’s not just the pill popping that I was reluctant to do, though. It’s dangerous to use pseudoephedrine for the long-term, but it is used off-label to promote wakefulness. It was my backup plan for when I really wanted to participate in something, like a vacation or what have you. I made my peace with it, as long as I only use it as needed, for short periods of time only. Besides, I’m already taking medication to increase neurotransmitters in my body (pseudoephedrine increases norepinephrine concentrations by releasing what you have stored in your neurons). I went to see C a few days ago, and she said that neurotransmitters are the best way to treat the neurological pain I was having. She even used the dreaded f-word, “fibromyalgia” to describe what my pain sounded like. She hasn’t officially diagnosed me with that condition, but it often comes with CFS/ME. While I wasn’t surprised to hear her say it, I didn’t want to hear it. Treatment for fibromyalgia is palliative (meant to relieve suffering, but not cure the condition) at best.

Anyway, I decided to spend the day accomplishing things. The feeling of being able to just do what I need to do is the thing I miss the most since getting sick. When I have a good day, I tend to squeeze every bit of productivity out of myself I can. I was determined for this to be that sort of day. I first washed all of the wine glasses from our party the night before. I did a couple of loads of laundry. I fed all the animals. I took a hot bath. I caught up some of my newspaper comics. I should explain that last one – Michael and I are the last newspaper subscribers on the planet. We both love newspaper comics, and there’s nothing like sitting down with the newspaper and reading the good ol’ funny pages. Well, because some days my brain is so foggy, so scrambled that I can’t even read, Michael saves that comic pages for me so that I can get to them when my mind is clearer. As of this morning, I was backed up to the beginning of October. Today, I read the entire month and am now up to November. Still behind, but less so than before. I went through older blog posts today, and learned by this time in 2010, I was behind as far as August. Back then, I had a billion kittens to care for as well. I’m certain this is not coincidental.

By noon, I was tired. I thought about popping another pill, but decided that there was really no way I was going to sleep for more than an hour or two. I had Michael massage my neck and ridiculously painful shoulder, then settled in for the nap. Feeling slightly more refreshed, I rolled over and looked at my clock – it was nearly 10:00pm. My nap was 10 hours long. What a defeat.

I tried not to be too upset about this. I told myself this morning that I was going to focus on the things that I did manage to do, and try not to condemn myself for what I couldn’t do. You see, somehow I still haven’t accepted that I’m truly, honestly sick. I keep trying to convince myself that if I just talk myself into it, I can just magically overcome this whole thing. Maybe I am prone to superstition after all. I mean, this is the behavior that I hate most in others: the tendency to accuse the people who have a chronic disease of not wanting to get over the illness, thus implying the disease is in the sufferer’s head and it is her fault. I do not think this of others who have a chronic condition, but somehow I think it of myself.

I think it will help me to show you some of things I’ve accomplished in the last few months. Much of my knitting has been for Christmas presents, so I haven’t really been willing to post it on the internet. Now that the gifts have been given (mostly, at any rate), I’ll show them to you.

I made these for Dr B. He lives far away now, but since we still talk, I thought it was only a nice thing to do. These are the brioche hat and scarf from Weekend Knitting. The yarn is Berroco Vintage in Mocha and Mushroom (5103, 5104).

I also made the pair of socks I referred to in the previous post for Dr B’s wife, K. She promised me she would get a picture of her wearing them so I could post it online.

I finished a dress I was crocheting for my friend Julie’s baby. This has not been delivered yet because her family is spending Christmas in Denmark. Plus, it’s still missing buttons. The pattern is Dixie Belle, and I used Patons silk bamboo (ivory) and Artfibers Casanova (dark purple).

I made this sweater for my nephew, Blaine. His parents tell me he loves it. The pattern is Lion Brand’s “Knit Coastal Stripe Pullover” in Knit Picks Swish Worsted, colors Twilight. Doe, and Bark.

I sent the “yarn shirt” to Alexis as well. It is bigger on her than Blaine’s sweater is on him, but she’ll be able to wear it forever. She was ecstatic, if the pictures her parents sent me of her opening the present are telling me the truth.

I plan to knit one more small present for Julie, but I don’t want to mention what it is until she receives it. She knew about the dress for her baby. I also have the “puerperium cardigan” (Ravelry link) on the needles for my friend Vickie‘s new baby, and I’ve swatched for the “Color Me” afghan for my friend Jen’s new baby.

There is a catch to the projects on my hooks and needles. I mentioned ridiculous shoulder pain earlier. On New Year’s Eve, the pain in my right arm got really bad, to the point where I was having trouble lifting my arm to give my friend a high-five. I thought it would be just a one day thing, something brought on by the fact that I skipped a dose of the pain medication so I could stay awake (the medication wipes me out – if I take two pills in a day, I can sleep about 18 hours easily). I resumed taking my pain medication as soon as everyone went home, but the pain is still there. I think I’m on track to losing much of the use of my right arm. I’ll know Wednesday whether the decision regarding if and when I have to give up bowling has been made for me. My concern is that this might mean I lose knitting, too. Maybe I can outrun it, get my projects done before my arm gives out. I can do that, right?

A Bump in the Road

I’m not sure if it’s just this way for me, or for everyone, but I can’t recall a single road I’ve traveled that didn’t have a few bumps along the way. Even when I was a kid and played on the Slip ‘N Slide (remember these?), I would manage to catch the only rock under the plastic. I’ve thought about this a lot lately, and even the things that I felt came easily to me were actually quite difficult roads. Yes, maybe I was an A-student in grade school, but I had to do that while changing schools multiple times, sometimes in the middle of the school year. Taking care of kittens comes naturally to me – I hand-raised my first one when I was thirteen years old – but there have been quite a few deaths along the way. We won’t even go into all the yarn craft mistakes I’ve made.

I have mixed feelings about this. Sometimes I have to wonder, “Why me?” just like anyone else might. What did I ever do to deserve that nothing should just simply work out, the way it does for my husband. On the other hand, I do rise to every challenge, and that is one quality that I actually like about myself. I never assume something is too hard until I try and fail. I don’t like the failing, but I’m not afraid for it to happen.

That said, I’ve been plugging away at my WIP list. It’s the only goal I’ve been managing lately, but I’ve also gotten into a spring cleaning phase that was never an explicit goal, but should have been. I guess it all evens out. As for the WIPs, I’ve finished two (I think) projects this week.

1. The Monkeys are finished! One of them has a tighter cuff than the other, but I can get it on my foot, and that’s all that matters. I now have three pairs of hand-knit socks in my drawer. Now that I live somewhere with snow, the wool socks just seem that much more valuable to me.
2. I finished the circular rug! Well, maybe. The pattern calls for a border, but I’m not sure I want to put one on. I can’t decide if it’s laziness or if I really think it looks good without one. The cats think it’s great the way it is, but I want to make sure that the friend for whom I made it will like it just as much.

The circle rug was surprisingly tough project to sew up. Setting aside the fact that I hate sewing in the first place, I just made so many mistakes.

As I was sewing the rug up, it seemed to go ok, until I looked at it from the side.

The center just rose right out of the rug, like a giant nipple.

I understand geometry, so I should have been able to head this off at the pass. In the beginning, I joined the garter ridges in a one-to-one ratio. The problem is that ratio makes a shape that resembles a cylinder more than a circle (think socks); hence, the bump. The solution is to join more garter ridges from the outer, un-joined part of the strip to a single ridge in the inner portion. It’s a bit of an art to figure out just how many to join, but it’s mostly just math. Pi is 3.14: therefore I should have started by joining three outside ridges to one inside. I didn’t think of that right away, and instead joined two to one. I got this:

It’s more like a zit than a nipple now. Not perfect, but much better.

The art of the joining lies in the fact that I’m making a spiral. Elizabeth Zimmerman designed a pi shawl that spaces increases regularly throughout the project, resulting in a circle. Unlike the shawl, there aren’t distinct rings in the circle rug, so I had to judge where and how I should increase largely by feel. When I crochet, this is simple: every row is increased by the same number of stitches. If I start out with six stitches, the next row should have twelve, then eighteen, then twenty-four, ad infinitum. I can mark each row, even if I do it in a spiral instead of distinct rings, and  make it work mathematically. Somehow, even though I know I should be able to solve this with math, I could not apply the same logic to sewing up a pre-made garter stitch strip. No matter, the rug is finished now and I declare it good enough. Moving on.

Although it’s not finished, I have made progress on the Everyday Tweed sweater. I managed to deal with the slightly different dye lots in the yarn by separating the differently colored sections with a band of color work. I’ll reveal it when I’ve finished.

Now, I know I made the rule about finishing three projects before I cast on a new one. There’s a little stumbling block in that plan, too. Michael and I are going to New York City next week for a business trip, and I’d like to have socks to knit on the plane. I’ll bring the sweater with me as well, but in coach class seats, it’s much easier to work on something small like socks. I’m a little ashamed of myself, but as long as the sweater is completed before the socks, I think I can justify the premature cast-on.

There has also been a bump in my road to recovery. For most of last month, I was doing comparatively well. Sure, I had to increase my dose of the new supplement by a little bit a few times during a week, but I could make it so I had the energy for just a few hours a day to focus and complete long-neglected tasks. My doctor noted a lot of changes in me as well – he said he could see the improved mental clarity, my posture and mannerisms changed to reflect a more serene mind, and he noticed I was more willing to stand up for myself. As of a week ago, I noticed I was feeling a little more run-down despite all my efforts: I figured it was just because I was acting on my new found energy and I just needed to build up endurance.  Alas, it is not so. Last week, the fevers started coming back with increasing duration and frequency. I had to lie down and rest more. This weekend a whole new symptom popped up. A friend pointed out on Friday that my face started to turn red at the same moment as I noticed my temperature rising. The next morning, I noticed that when my fever restarted I had what looks like a light version of the malar rash associated with lupus (an endocrinologist ruled out lupus a few years ago, so it’s not that).  By the end of the day, my chest and arms looked like I had gotten a sunburn, despite the fact that I hadn’t been outside all day. It had mostly subsided by the time I woke up today, but I am willing to bet the redness will come back as I get more tired.

This setback is the reason I was reluctant to share my good news a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to put it in writing because I thought it might generate a little false hope on my part – and it did. Not so much that I am totally crushed by the recurrence of new, unexplainable symptoms, but I am disappointed. I thought I was finally on to something. I guess we are getting more clues, but it’s just so sad that the improvements don’t last long. On the other hand, it was great to have the reprieve. It tells me that I can feel good, it’s just a question of finding the cause and addressing it.

Goal Progress

I’ve spent this week learning what my limitations are despite my improvement in health. I’ve determined that if I have a big thing I want to accomplish, it has to be first thing in the day – that’s when I have the most energy, my supplements have the greatest effect, and I’m not sore (well, more so than the persistent pain) from trying to do things I’m just not ready for. I can accomplish one “big” thing in a day, but my definition of big had to be altered. Now big means going grocery shopping or assembling the shelves I bought yesterday. It used to mean spending all day painting the house or getting to that tiling project I’ve been excited about. Those things now fall into the “too-big-to-do-right-now” category.

I’ve also made a concerted effort to work on the list of goals I outlined a few days ago. I’ll re-list them here for comment.

1. Write a book. I have written part of one chapter. It is by no means a complete chapter, but it has been helpful with ironing out all of my feelings about where I just was and where I am going. 
   
2. Finish all of my knitting and crochet WIPs. I am almost done with the monkey socks. I decided to focus on something that I could easily bring with me to my appointments so I would have more time to put into the task. When I’m home, I’m trying to focus on cleaning my house. The place can get gnarly when you’ve only really been able to make the most basic things happen for half a year.
3. Do a wardrobe purge. This one is done! Michael and I both cleaned out our closets this morning, in fact. I had a surprisingly large amount of clothing to donate and an equally shocking pile of things that were too worn to donate and thus had to be trashed. It feels good to be rid of those things.
4. Blog more often. Well, obviously I am accomplishing this one. I only committed myself to once a week, but I am managing twice. Good for me!
   
5. Spin a skein of yarn. I haven’t really put much consideration into this one yet. I have a partially spun bit of roving from a long time ago that I’m hoping to make into the aforementioned skein. I like that I have a head start on the project. The only catch is that I’m not sure that I will be spinning the same way as before. I feel different, and it may affect how the wheel works for me.
   
6. Sort out my digital pictures. Yeah, this hasn’t even been on my radar. It will happen, since I want to put pictures on my walls. I also want to upload things to Facebook. I think the limiting factor here is that I cannot stay at my desk for too long – it hurts my back.

Ok, so I’m not useless. Not totally, anyway.

In other news – Duck got a job. I adopted him almost two years ago for his unusual temperament – he’s ultra self-confident, cute as all get-out, and patient with people. I had no idea that he would actually be useful. Here’s what happened:

If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I bowl every week in a league. Michael and I didn’t have a pre-organized team, so we were randomly placed with a few guys whom we didn’t know, but who quickly became our friends. The team consisted of a father/son pair (I’ll refer to the father as C and the son as T) and the son’s friend from work, K. This year, K decided not to bowl again, but we gained another teammate, B, whom we also like a lot. The cool thing about the league we are in is that the people  range widely in age. T is in his late 50′s, C is 81, and B is in his 60s or 70s. Michael and I are in our 30s, and there are younger people than us who also bowl. Not unlike the yarn craft community when it comes down to it, except that there are far more men than women in the bowling leagues.

This year, C has been having trouble with his shoulder. After being in pain for months, he finally went to a doctor and got devastating news: he has stage four cancer in his lungs, a rib, his lymph nodes, and his shoulder bone. His wife had also been diagnosed with lung cancer and was given six to nine months to live – that was three years ago.

The last six weeks or so have been exceedingly rough for C. His wife succumbed to the cancer right around the same time he started radiation. His family has come from other parts of the country to take care of him, but it’s a big job. I asked his daughter if I might be able to visit C at home since I hadn’t seen him at bowling in a long time. I thought it might cheer him up to have guests. She thought that would be a nice idea, so I came by on Friday to see how he was doing. When I got in the door, C asked “Did you bring your cats with you?” Had I realized he wanted to see them, of course I would have done so.

I then had a brilliant plan. Duck is a terrible traveler – he actually rolls over on his back when he’s in his carrier and kicks the top of it like a toddler having a temper tantrum all the way to our destination. So I thought maybe Ducky can be an animal assisted therapy cat for a while. He gets the practice making car trips, and C gets the opportunity to snuggle a soft kitty without the responsibility of taking care of it. I might get Buttercup involved, too. She travels just fine, save for the car sickness. Fortunately, C lives only two minutes away (according to my Nav system). Ooh – and maybe I can get to fostering again when we get back from our next business trip, and I can take kittens to C as well! How fun!

It’s a good thing for me, too. I don’t have a lot of energy, but I can certainly knit and talk to C at his house. I understand what he’s going through better than most, given that I’ve been incapacitated for a long time, too. Maybe we can help each other out of our respective rough patches. I think this will be good.

Actually Doing Something for a Change

I am happy to report that I have actually gotten started on my goals. I haven’t even needed the motivation of finishing a small task to work on the big ones. The most obvious is that I am making good on my goal to post more often. This is something that has to be sustained, but still, I’m actually putting up another post – it’s step one of many. I also started on a chapter in the book I wanted to write. I’ve gotten an idea for the direction of the title as well – something to do with living in fog. Finally, I’ve started working in earnest on finishing my yarn craft WIPs.

I realized as I was working on the knitting that I haven’t posted a current list of what I’m working on in a while. It’s going to be painful, I fear, but here goes  (you can click to enlarge the pictures):

1. Everyday Tweed. I realized I was getting low on warm clothing, which is an inexcusable situation for a knitter. I wanted to find a pattern that would be relatively simple, so if I liked it I could use it for more sweaters in different yarns. This one is all knitting, and mostly simple, but I had so much trouble with the yarn. I bought what should have been enough for the whole thing, but it turns out that despite the matching labels, the dye lots on all of the skeins were not the same. I’m trying some fancy color work tricks to hide this subtle but noticeable difference.
2. Monkey Socks.  I tried several patterns for this particular yarn – I am completely intrigued by Flat Feet yarn. They take sock blanks (basically, small machine knitted rectangles of sock yarn) and dye them in creative patterns and such. I liked the colors in this one, but I hated the way it knit up. After trying and ripping back several attempts, I finally found that the monkey pattern removes some of the ugly from the yarn, and I am happy once again. I’ve already finished one of the socks.
3. Robert’s Boot Socks. Its been a long time since my brother Robert asked for these socks. I started working on them a bit when he came to visit for Christmas. I realized that part of the problem, besides the fact that Serra and Duck destroyed my first attempt, is that it’s hard for me to make socks without the person for whom I am making them present. I want to be sure they fit before I put all that effort into making two of them. Once I get one that fits, the second should come quickly. The yarn is worsted weight, and it’s not like he’s a big guy or anything.
4. Beaded Deep Space. I deliberately left this in a crumpled up state for the photograph. While I want to show it off somewhat, I want the finished product to be a genuine surprise for the recipient.  I’m using a modified version of the Cheshire Cat Stole with the Deep Space yarn I fell madly in love with a long time ago. I wanted to give it to a friend when I finished. She still doesn’t know I am making it for her, so she isn’t missing it. Maybe that’s the problem – I don’t have the push I need to work on it.
5. Crochet Noro Socks. Honestly, I’m not in love with these. I made one because a crocheter at the shop I used to teach at asked if I could teach a class on crochet socks. I made the first sock, but the no one, not even the person who requested the class, signed up. I’m considering just using the yarn for knit socks sometime in the future, an making the crocheted sock into a cat toy or stocking or something.
6. Cat Couch. I started this in August 2008. I want to make something nice for the cats, and I know they’ll love it. I just can’t seem to manage to keep my focus on it. I think it just doesn’t help that the yarn doesn’t really grab me. It’s an inexpensive acrylic I bought because it was on sale and I know anything that I give the cats will eventually be destroyed. It’s ok that it will be destroyed because it means the cats loved it, but I think the finite nature of its existence when I’ve finished it kind of discourages me.
7. Colorado Gloves. I had forgotten until I looked on my Ravelry queue why I put these down – I had developed a little carpal tunnel and I just couldn’t knit for awhile. I want to finish them, but the problem with things I’ve designed myself is that if I can’t remember where I was, I can’t just look at a pattern. What’s more, I have no idea where I left this one. I’ll have do some looking in my craft room in the upcoming week.
8. Hemp Shopping Bag. Eventually, I want to finish this, but there is no urgency because I have plenty of store bought ones. The bags from Safeway don’t hold up well, but the ones I got at Whole Foods do hold up well (plus, if they ever do break, Whole Foods will replace them for free). Again, something I designed myself.
9. Spiral Rug. This one should be easy to finish. It’s all garter stitch, I get to change yarns often (it holds my interest), and there isn’t that much left to do. It’s when I get to the part where I have to sew it up that I will be struggling. I so hate sewing.
10. Beach Skirt. This is the one I dreamed about not long before I got really sick. I need to finish it soon if I want it to fit my niece. I did, at least, make it larger than I thought she would need it to be since I anticipated her growing more before I finished it (see, thinking ahead).
11. Gwendolyn. No, the picture isn’t fuzzy – the yarn is. I had a lot of this pink angora yarn in my cabinet for awhile, but I had no idea what I was going to do with it. At some point I decided to make a shawl of some sort, but then I discovered the lace pattern took more focus than I had. Ah, well. It’ll come back.
12. Ryan’s Afghan. My friend Ryan asked me to make him a warm afghan out of acrylic yarn. He had no real idea of what it should look like, he just wanted to have something for the chilly San Francisco weather. I started it, but I never even got so far as to put it in my Ravelry queue. Mostly, this is an exercise in crochet intarsia. I wanted to try something new, and what better way to use up smaller balls of yarn?
13. An exercise in Mitered Squares. This isn’t exactly a project. I was fooling around with making mitered squares, and trying to see how I would join them up to make something. I have no idea what that something is, mind you, but I just wanted to try. I was using up some yarn that I only had in small quantities. I will probably give this to Duck when I’ve finished learning what I want to know.
14. Knitting Guild Master’s Project. I ordered the curriculum while I was still working at the yarn shop. Somewhere between my acquisition of Duck, working, laying the hardwood floors, and getting sick after all of that, I just never really worked on it. This one differs from the Crochet Guild Master’s Project in that they give you as long as you want to finish it. You just have to ask for the updated version of the test every year. Mine has been in this plastic bag for about a year and a half. <ugh>

I’m trying to see the theme with the projects I’ve left for a long time. For the most part, it appears I reached a stumbling block and gave up. A lot of my problem is that I haven’t really had the focus to get serious about knitting for the last seven months. I honestly believe that my desire to get to this has something to do with my body finally but slowly healing. It seems my illness totally warped my personality. Normally, I view a road block as an opportunity to learn something, and I rise to the challenge readily. Since I got sick, I just got frustrated with everything and I started giving up.  I’ve had a few good hours in most days since I last posted. I’ve been working closely with my doctors, tweaking the supplements as things change. I think I’ll get there, both with the health and this list. Right now, I think I need to go lie down.

Setting Goals

Check this out – I’m posting again within a few days my last post. I don’t know what to think about this – maybe I’m getting some of that ambition back? It would be nice.

I’ll start with a short health update: I haven’t been able to experiment with the magic combination of supplements because, unfortunately, I got a cold. I can’t help but feel my physical response to getting a cold is exaggerated. I mean, for most people, they get a little stuffy, maybe a little tired, but they can function. When I get even a small cold, it just wipes me out. I forced myself to have a good time with my gaming group yesterday because I have so few interactions anymore with real people who aren’t doctors. Since I last posted, I also managed to do some research on nitric oxide, and I learned something hilarious – the supplement I’m taking seems to be the herbal equivalent of Viagra! No, the doctor isn’t crazy for prescribing that to me. Viagra was originally developed to help people with heart problems, basically by modulating the nitric oxide pathways in the body, thereby opening up blood vessels. The reason we know Viagra as a drug for erectile dysfunction is that the pharmaceutical companies found this to be a more profitable way to market the drug.

Today, I’m going to get back to the original topic of my blog, to some degree. I’ve been feeling that since I’m kind of trapped in my house, sentenced to doing low energy activities, I should use that for some practical purpose. I just hate feeling like I’m doing nothing, like I’m useless. I’ve got some goals related to knitting and outside activities, so I thought I’d share them, to make me more accountable. Here they are, more or less in the order I manage to think of them:

1. Write a book. I have no idea whether this book is just for me, for only close friends, or for the world, but I want to write a book on what it is like to live with a long-term, mysterious and invisible illness. I won’t know for whom I am writing the book until I’ve finished it because it is kind of personal, and I just don’t know what I want to share and with whom.
2. Finish all of my knitting and crochet WIPs. This has failed in the past, largely because I see something new I like, and I just toss the old stuff aside like dirty laundry. I know that by denying myself the freedom to cast on something new I only manage to trigger a rebellion and I suddenly feel a burning need to cast on a ton of new projects, so I’m going to set guidelines like, “I have to finish three projects already in progress before I cast on a new one.” Of course, then the new one will soon become one of these old projects, so I am really just making the problem worse by adding to it, but at least I am taking a few steps forward as well. And who knows, maybe being trapped into this disciplined yarn crafting might just be the trigger my body needs to get better. I will gladly discard my newly instated rule if I have energy and can do other things that don’t involve sitting down. It would be a reward, in a sense. If I don’t get better, seeing that pile of half-finished projects get smaller would be a different kind of reward.
3. Do a wardrobe purge. This is a smaller project than the others, probably something that will take a day or two, but it’s something I really need to do. I’ve lived in parts of the country that have had relatively consistent weather since I was fifteen years old. First it was Hawai’i, then Florida, then San Francisco (I am using the city here rather than the state because SF really is different than the rest of California in general. They get seasons everywhere else in the Bay Area, but not so much in SF. Southern California has a consistent climate, too, but it’s warm, whereas SF is cold. Even in the summer.). Now I have to have clothes for multiple seasons, and some of them are worn out, some don’t fit anymore (due to weight loss), and some I just don’t like. The volume of clothing I need has become comparatively greater than before. I need to get rid of what I don’t wear, then supplement the areas of my wardrobe that are lacking. The latter part will be harder, since I really don’t have the energy for shopping trips that involve trying on clothes. The goal, though, is just to get rid of stuff. The replacing will come later.
4. Blog more often. This goal is a little vague, but I want to aim for once a week right now. I won’t get too hard on myself if I only manage every other week, though. I think that it might help me achieve my goals if I write down the progress I’ve made. Sometimes I feel like I’ve done nothing until I’ve made an accounting of it. Right now, I need to see that I’m not entirely useless for my self-esteem. I have none left after all this being sick business.
5. Spin a skein of yarn. Also a small goal, but I just haven’t spun anything in a long time, and I really want to. I got a lot of fiber for Christmas (Amazon.com allows you to add things from other websites to your wish list now, so I went to Etsy and added the pretty things I saw), my fiber storage is overflowing, and, well, it’s a way to get new yarn without having to go shopping for it. Plus, spinning is a very mild form of exercise (see how your calves feel the day after spinning for a few hours), and I really want to try to get exercise. I miss simply moving around.
6. Sort out my digital pictures. This is a medium-term project. I have hundreds, maybe thousands of pictures on my hard drives, and I want to do something with them. I’ll probably put quite a few on Facebook, I’ll print some to hang on my walls, maybe I’ll showcase pictures of kittens I had before I started keeping this blog… the idea is that I don’t know what the point is in having all these pictures if they are to remain unseen in a hard drive.

So, I’ve listed goals of varying time commitment and difficulty. I think that I might start with a smaller goal (like spinning a skein of yarn or the wardrobe purge) sooner so that I can get the accomplishment momentum going. The book, WIPs, pictures and blogging will be things that sort of happen in the background, perhaps concurrently, or perhaps I will focus on one of them at some point just to have the achievement. I will make regular updates about them, just to keep me on track.

There are more goals I have in mind, but making them something I have to commit to right now would simply be setting myself up for failure. There are things I want to do like finishing the painting in the house (there is still a lot of wall space left unpainted) and getting back to fostering, but my health limits those. It’s downright dangerous for me to get on a ladder, for example, because all it takes is one black-out and I’ve fallen and broken my neck. Of course, my over-arching goal is to get healthy, but I don’t think I have much control over that. Control that I haven’t already exerted, I mean. I go to the doctors regularly, and I take my supplements regularly, no matter how nasty they are (and let me tell you, some are quite powerful). I’m planning to see a new specialist in Los Angeles for a diagnostic procedure called non-cognitive biofeedback. Admittedly, this one seems a little… out there… but I’m at the point where I’m thinking anything is worth a shot. I cannot go on like this anymore.

So, for now, I’m focusing on what I can do. Modest goals.

Knittin’ and… Video Games?

I still haven’t the energy to do anything too exciting about my knitting or my kittens, let alone post about it (but I have, at least, gotten to the owl part of my Owls sweater). I found my camera, by the way, and I have every intention of photographing my sweater for the next post. I’m mostly posting because I saw couple of things that I just had to share with my yarn people.

There are at least two new video games out with a fibery theme:

Kirby’s Epic Yarn

Crafting Mama.

I was under the mistaken impression that there just wasn’t a whole lot of crossover between the knitting and video games crowds. I wouldn’t have guessed that there was crossover between the yarn craft and bowling crowd, either, but there is at least another woman in my league who crochets between turns. I also met a crocheter at Tacticon. We’re everywhere!

For those of you who are following the uphill battle with my health, I have just a little news. I went to the neuro-endocrinologist, and he did find a few things. I tip to the left when I walk with my eyes closed. He says that points to a mid-brain issue. He was also concerned about my low blood pressure, so he prescribed a supplement with licorice root in it. Normally, licorice root will raise blood pressure, but of course I cannot be normal – it dropped mine. I was taken off the supplement today. I’ll be very interested in what he has to say about it when I see him later this week. I have a feeling I’m going to hear the five word phrase that every doctor seems to say to me lately: “I’ve never seen that before.”

Wish me luck that this can be solved.

All the Little Pieces

I finally have some answers about what has been wrong with me. Really reasonable answers. Answers that give me something to aim for.

This all goes back to the fact that I started a program designed to get my immune system under control just under six months ago. The short version of the story is that the program worked. It worked well, and it worked fast. In maybe two months or so, my immune system was under control, no longer viciously attacking my thyroid gland all the time. On the surface, that’s great news! The thing is, I was still treating the underactive thyroid with the same dose of medication I had been on before the program. My primary problem is not hypothyroidism, but rather an immune dysfunction that is ultimately associated with the adrenal glands and cortisol. While I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I was really just somewhere in the oscillation between hypothyroidism and hyperthyroidism. Since I treated the cause of the problem instead of the disease that happened to be just a symptom, everything should have gotten better downstream.

Since I had been hypothyroid for so many years (I’ve been treating it for maybe eleven years, now), no one really thought to look for hyperthyroidism. That’s really too bad, because so many bad things started to happen. The breathing and chest pain issue came back. I had heart palpitations (when your heart beats really hard, so much so that you become very aware of it – it seems like a heart attack the first time it happens, before you know what’s going on). Next I started to have trouble staying asleep, getting maybe four hours of sleep per night. At first I felt really good, maybe for three weeks. Eventually, though, being in a hypermetabolic state took its toll on me. I started to lose weight at an alarming rate. I developed a low-grade fever (usually around 99.6) that was accompanied by nervous breakdowns. In the last few weeks, I started experiencing numbness or constant pain in certain nerves. To top it all off, this whole time I’ve been dealing with burning muscle pain that is only partially and temporarily relieved by massage. Anti-inflammatory medications just didn’t work for me. I was such a mess. Still am, for the record. For the last two months, I’ve been sick to the point where it interferes with having a normal life.

I stopped taking the thyroid medication for a month. Normally, this isn’t a good idea, but I resorted to that option because I had trouble communicating with my endocrinologist. When I knew for certain that I was hyperthyroid (my chiropractor did regular blood tests to confirm this), I called my endocrinologist’s office. The thing is, they make you talk to a nurse rather than the doctor himself. She then takes the message to the doctor, who tells her what to tell you and she calls back. This process is ridiculous. First of all, it’s a literal game of telephone – things get lost and confused in the translations. Second, had I been able to speak to the doctor, he’d have been able to ask some very relevant, very important questions. As it stood, I told the nurse that my thyroid medication was at a much too high dose, and that I thought it needed to be dropped significantly. She went to the doctor, who told her that I was just having a normal fluctuation and should only drop the dose by a little bit. This process took two days. I informed her that I didn’t think that this was just a fluctuation, that I had been seeing a chiropractor who managed to control the underlying disease, and that I thought we really needed to reevaluate my dose as if I were a newly diagnosed thyroid patient. The nurse was really rude to me. She asked “so you think your chiropractor cured you and that you don’t need medication anymore?” I informed her that, no, he didn’t cure me, but he did manage the underlying disease, which really affects my needs for thyroid medication. She said she’d bring it to the doctor, but she never called back. She had such an attitude with me, and I knew she really didn’t get what I was trying to tell her. She seemed to think I was some kind of idiot. I chose to take matters into my own hands because I was being dismissed.

It gets worse. The levels of thyroid hormone in my system left me in a state of thyrotoxicosis. What this means is that the levels of thyroid hormone in my body had gotten to a toxic level. If left untreated, I was at risk for a thyroid storm, which is the release of a whole bunch of thyroid hormone all at once. Thyroid storm can be fatal. I don’t think that I ever quite experienced a thyroid storm, but I did get pretty close. The endocrinologist would have known that had he spoken to me personally.

The best thing I could have done in that circumstance was to discontinue the meds (given that I couldn’t get the doctor to prescribe a significantly smaller dose, which would have been the best option). After a few days, most of the symptoms of hyperthyroidism, particularly the sleeplessness and the heart palpitations, began to subside. I decided that I would give the medication a month to clear my system, then I would go to my primary care physician (who is much more accessible) to get my medication needs reevaluated.

While I was off the thyroid medication, another complication appeared (which exemplifies why it’s generally not a good idea to quit taking the meds cold turkey). I began to have severe emotional crashes. I was suicidal much of the time, and just plain critically depressed the rest of time. I started to experience a lot of physical pain, from nerve pain to muscular pain. I would sleep twelve hours a night and not wake up rested. With naps, I was sleeping about sixteen hours a day. It was a complete disaster. The reason for this is complex. Because my metabolism was so high for so long, it overtaxed my adrenal glands. The adrenal glands are responsible for producing cortisol, which regulates inflammation and stress responses in the body (in addition to a few other things, but these are the relevant functions for my story). The high metabolism forced the adrenal glands to produce cortisol at a very high level to combat the stress of being generally overworked. The thing is, the adrenal glands can only do that so long before they, too, become tired. When my metabolism slowed down and stopped stimulating the adrenal gland so aggressively, the adrenal gland began to take breaks, effectively collapsing from exhaustion.

This left me in a very precarious state. Any stress, no matter how small, caused an extreme physical reaction in my body. Muscles cramped up, and inflammation plagued me. I had nervous breakdowns. I also had this feeling that I needed to be dead – it was like a call of nature. Often when someone is suicidal, it’s a reaction to a situation that makes them feel frustrated and powerless. The desire to kill oneself is fueled by anger and passion (I’ve been there, I know). This was a very different feeling. It was like my body knew it was malfunctioning on a critical level, and maybe it figured I was dying already, so might as well make it quick? The only way I could stop myself from doing something about it was to call someone.  This happened a lot.

I got some supporting supplements from my chiropractor, and things got a little more manageable. I never felt “good” (and I still don’t), but I was at least stable and not constantly in danger of offing myself. I reintroduced the thyroid hormone into my body at a much lower level, and it also helped a bit. It wasn’t long, though, before I became hyperthyroid again. This is where I’m at now. For about two days, I got normal levels of sleep and woke up comparatively (but not properly) refreshed. As the hormone level came back to toxic levels, I stopped sleeping for more than four hours at a stretch, and even that sleep wasn’t (isn’t) really solid – I wake up several times per night. The heart palpitations started again, and I had trouble breathing accompanied by chest pain. I gave it ten days to settle out (because it may have been my body just getting used to the hormone again), but it only got worse. I just had a blood draw today to confirm the hyperthyroidism, and tomorrow the doctor should have the lab results to justify dropping the dose again. I am nowhere near out of the woods.

The hyperthyroidism is also responsible for another mysterious, chronic condition I’ve had – the chest pain and shortness of breath. Because I just had to know what was wrong with me, I spent many, many hours researching my symptoms, conditions, etc. Here’s what I learned:

Excess thyroid hormone has the effect of dilating (relaxing) the blood vessels, and if you’re thyrotoxic, it can lead to low blood pressure. No doctor has ever believed me when I said I thought my blood pressure was too low – with the focus on high blood pressure in this country, it seems doctors can forget that low pressure is a problem, too. The doctors tell me that it’s great that I have such low blood pressure and immediately move on to other matters. Recently my resting blood pressure was measured at 98/56. Ideally, your systolic blood pressure (the top number) will be somewhere between 90 and 120. This indicates that your heart is contracting well and properly supplying blood to your body. The diastolic blood pressure should be between 60 and 80. This means that when the heart relaxes, the ventricles are properly refilling for the next contraction, pushing blood back into circulation. My diastolic pressure was too low – that means that my heart is unable to properly refill after a contraction. This condition, when it leads to pulmonary edema (fluid build-up in the lungs) is known as Diastolic Congestive Heart Failure (or left-sided heart failure). The link I included describes the condition pretty well, except that it leaves out another possible cause of the dysfunction – heart palpitations. Somewhere between the fact that my blood pressure is too low to force blood back into the heart and the fact that my heart beats too fast, giving the blood less time to go where it is supposed to, my left ventricle was not refilling. This leads to angina (chest pain). Think of it like vomiting when there is nothing in your stomach – it hurts more when that happens. The blood that didn’t make it into the ventricle then backs up into your lungs, creating pulmonary edema. It was upon reading the three articles I referenced in this paragraph that I figured out what was going on. One of the articles I linked to above notes that the kind of heart failure I have is often missed by doctors. But I caught it.

I even think I know the mechanism by which the whole thing is happening to me. There are two times that my blood pressure is inappropriately low: when I exercise and the blood pressure does not rise enough to meet the demands of my body, and when I rest for long periods of time. I believe that when something (the thyroid, the brain, the adrenal glands – who knows?) detects that my blood pressure is at dangerously low levels, my body produces adrenaline to increase my heart rate. I think that’s how it generally works, and that’s why your blood pressure naturally rises when you exercise. The complication occurs when my blood vessels are too relaxed to respond to the rapid heart rate. I think, but am not certain, that if my thyroid hormone levels are more carefully regulated, this problem can reverse itself.

I’ve presented my theory about the heart issue to four of my doctors so far. When they heard my thought process, they all said to me that it was incredibly impressive that I figured this out. They thought my idea was completely logical, and most likely the correct diagnosis. Two of them suggested that I should seriously consider going into medicine because I have a unique perspective (of experience, largely) combined with a really great puzzle solving ability and could contribute a lot to the field.

I’m taking all of this in right now. I’ve been looking into getting back into the work force when/if I get better. I thought I was going to take up a career in yarn craft, and maybe it might still be a serious hobby, but after the experience I just had and the repeated suggestion that I should go into medicine, I have to rethink my feelings on the matter. I don’t believe in predestination, but I do believe that sometimes things happen that really shape your life, that suggest where you should be heading. I do have a unique opportunity here to do something big. At the same time, the idea is really scary to me. It just seems too big, and I wonder if I can really do it. I just don’t know. What I do know is that I have to focus on getting better first. It might take a long time.

I have a lot to think about.

If I try

Some good news – I’m having longer periods of time wherein I am myself. Not just a reflection of who I was. I need dietary supplements to stay that way, but I’m me. I’m ok. For just a little while at a time.

While I was sick (and just a little before) I made this:

I will try to reproduce it so I can write down the pattern. I have no idea what to call it, but it’s the last thing I made for a very long time. I wish I had gotten a picture of someone wearing it before I gave it away, but that’s the beauty of making something of my own design – in theory, I can reproduce it.

I also managed to acquire something beautiful that someone else made:

A pile of wonderful little kittens! Disregard the fact that I look like hell – I’ve been through a lot lately. The kittens are all gaining weight and making messes, just as they should. Two of them are under-socialized, but those are my favorite sort. Well, those and bottle-feeders, but I am taking what I can get right now.

It’s a start. I’m still hanging in there.

Fear of Old Technology

I read the Yarn Harlot post today, the day I leave for San Francisco. Reading her blog is usually a good part of my day, where I get a good laugh and maybe a glimpse of some knitting porn. It seems that Stephanie is flying today, and she had a run in with some airline attendants. One of them asked her to put her knitting away because it is “dangerous,” and the other was perplexed about why Stephanie had put away her knitting. It’s that sort of unpredictability that makes flying so unbearably anxiety provoking for me. The TSA says right here that knitting is expressly permitted on the plane. Admittedly, it only says you may have the needles in your carry-on bag, but they also mention that they realize you are bringing the needles to pursue a “Needlepoint” project. Given that knitting needles and pens have a lot in common in their shape and lethality levels, and you’re allowed to have pens out, I cannot see the argument for banning knitting in flight.

It got me thinking – the only people who actually think knitting is dangerous are those who have never actually touched knitting needles in their lives. I once had a friend who went on and on about how “those needles, especially the sock needles” are scary and you could seriously hurt someone with them. I then pulled a sock needle out of my work and let her hold it. “Oh,” she exclaimed, “these are blunt. It would be difficult to hurt anyone with them.” To apply a little logic to the situation, I would like to point out that if knitting needles were that dangerous, knitters probably would be using a different tool to get the job done. You’d also hear more stories about knitters going on a rampage, needling people to death. I assure you, if I ever go on a rampage, it’s because some S.O.B stole my needles, not because I was allowed to keep them.

I have a brilliant idea: we should have a “Teach a Muggle to Knit” holiday. It would be a day where we force non-knitters to sit down for just a few minutes and hold a pair of knitting needles. The victims students don’t really have to learn to knit, but maybe just to respect that knitters are a peaceful folk and that our tools, while unfamiliar, are not dangerous. No more so than a pen. Ooh! Better yet – we teach them to knit with pens and pencils. Now I have another magnificent idea – there should be a special class in Flight Attendant School in which they learn how to handle knitters. In the curriculum should be a bit about how the only certain way of keeping a knitter calm is to let her/him go about her/his business in peace. It should be emphasized that taking knitting needles away from a knitter is like taking food from a wild animal – this should not be done unless you are looking for a way to lose a limb.

I’m probably just crabby because I haven’t slept well in a few days. But still, these are good ideas. Think about it.